Due to some things and whatnot, this site is on vacation for a certain unspecified length of time. Sorry. Banditos! will be back soon with more lies, games, and words. Until then, here are a few older posts which people liked.
Touching Letters From Adorable Children
Harry Potter Has Many Feelings
Run and/or Gun (Finally playing TR: Anniversary, it's brilliant)
I can't avoid mentioning this rumor for another second. It's all over the gamy news sites. It may have been debunked already. I don't care.
This photo is a leaked scan of the upcoming issue of Famitsu, credited to JapaneseGIRL on Court-Records.net, the most comprehensive and entertaining Phoenix Wright/Apollo Justice fan site out there. I believe the rumor (or let's say, as-yet-unsubstantiated fact) originates on this blog. It is that Capcom, which has been teasing something like this for a while, will announce a new game called Gyakuten Kenji/Turnabout Prosecutor, starring Edgeworth and Gumshoe.
It's a third person point and click adventure for the DS, with crime scene investigation and prosecution and, as previously mentioned, starring Edgeworth. (And Gumshoe!) As the star, I can only assume that Edgeworth will be in this game a lot. Third person means more Edgeworth on my little screens. Point and click means I can make him run across the screen all day long. Tap one part of the screen and he runs over there and investigates a little. Tap another and he runs all the way back and starts prosecutin' up a storm! Take that! A whole game's worth of Edgeworth!
I don't often say "squee." I feel it's unbecoming. But, however,
squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Is Eidos Montreal working on a new Thief game? Eurogamer put together some clues and came up yesterday with a very definite "perhaps." I've posted a screen shot from Thief 4 right here. It's right there, hiding in plain sight. What, you can't see it? Ha ha! I snatch your golden goblet, and I escape into the night! It's my goblet now. Goblet keepers.
When I played Thief for the first time, it really got into my head. When I walked my dog at night, I tried to stay within the shadows. If I saw people walking through a room it seemed as if they were on "patrol" and I half-consciously memorized their patterns. I also had some really odd dreams in those days, because in case you didn't know, every Thief game has one very, very frightening level. Just one. The other levels are merely suspenseful, although very, very suspenseful.
According to Eurogamer,
Thief is a stealth-action title set in a gritty world that's a cross between the late middle ages and Victorian eras. It sees players creeping around and killing people by using their environment to cloak their approach and dump bodies down sewer hatches.
which is laughably untrue. The game is not about killing people, it's about sneaking behind them and hiding in shadows when they turn around. I have no idea where they got the bit about dropping bodies into sewers. Thief sees players dousing torches to create shadows, walking on carpets to mask their footsteps, causing distractions, and leaning out of hidden alcoves to pick a guard's pocket. Most of the damn game is just waiting. The main game mechanic is sitting quietly and attentively. If today's school kids played Thief, there would be much less ADHD, although admittedly, there would be many more pickpockets. But damn it, they'd be focused pickpockets.
I need a burner. Are you using that burner? I'm cooking food. It's here, in a pan. Uncooked.
That's your burner? Whatever, I'm easy. Can I use that other burner?
No? Can I use that one than?
What about that one?
Well, what about that one? Yes, I know that's the first burner. I thought maybe you had finished with it while I was asking about the other ones. I need a burner.
Maybe I haven't been clear. I'm trying to make food. In order to make food, I need to cook it. If I don't cook it, it's not food, it's just ingredients. Cooking requires heat, which comes from a burner, etc. It gets a little technical but the upshot is that those things, in front of you? I need one. Move.
We're not here to talk about your pan. This is about the burner under the pan. Focus.
Listen to me! We don't have much time! If you're cold you should put on a sweater, and if you like looking at fire, Hanukkah is coming up and it's just a huge damn festival of lights. But right now - look at me! - I need a burner, and you, for some perverse reason, insist on standing between my food and its rightful burner. You just burner blocked me. Not cool.
You know I wouldn't ask for myself. This is about the food. It really, really wants to be cooked, on a burner. Look at it, you can tell. Oh please, make its wishes come true!
Let's play a game. I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you will have freed up a burner. Here we go. My eyes are closed. Is the burner free? I'm going to open my eyes ...
Yay! A burner! Finally. See? Now I shall cook. That wasn't so hard, was it?
What do you mean, you spat in my food?
Bonus link: Microwave tips! You can put metal in one.
I was reading a review on a well-known, mainstream game site and stopped short at this sentence:
The graphics are easily a few years out of date but it somehow still works because the lab is a rundown place that time has forgotten so not having first-rate graphics isn't that big of a deal.
Beautiful. Clunky, way too long, and the best part is that all those words add up to absolutely nothing. Game reviews always mention graphics but almost never provide specific images. "A few years out of date." Can't you just picture that? However, it still works because as we all know, once time forgets a laboratory, the actual surfaces and lighting effects start to look antiquated. Did you ever see a lab from, say, 1986? You know, those old EGA laboratories, which had only 16 colors.
Don't worry, unspecified game reviewer, I'll fix your sentence! How? By changing it from "games journalism" (which is so befuddled that in some circles I have been called a games journalist - that's how woefully fucked "games journalism" is) to the much more respectable form of literary journalism!
As I wander, lonely as a cloud full of sighs, through the dilapidated remains of this laboratory of my childhood, I am suddenly and quietly felled by a overwhelming wave of sympathy and respect for the simple beauty of those poorly rendered 8-bit beakers; I finally understand - understand! - the uncomplaining way they watch me pass each day, how their quotidian ritual of sitting immobile and not being affected by lighting, physics, or anti-aliasing perfectly mirrors the laboratory's "take me as I am" philosophy (no "good graphics" or "bad graphics," just "graphics") which has led to it, the noble laboratory, accepting me, an insightful outsider, as one of its own ... which, in turn, is why I finally, at last, at long last, feel at home here, with the shitty looking beakers, and the fugly pipettes.
Now your sentence is beautiful, and what's more, it's longer. Longer is always better! That is the sentiment which was rapturously expressed, last night, by your mom.
It's the Internet's only holiday, but we don't celebrate it here. This site is all lies anyway, so it would be redundant. To professional liars, April Fool's Day is amateur hour. I stayed home yesterday and deveined shrimp all day. I used a paring knife rather than a deveiner, while constantly yelling "April Fool's!" The shrimp thought it was hilarious. That's how a true professional fools it up, April-style.
Yes, I fall for April Fool's gags on occasion, not because I'm gullible, but because I trust other people. People who are obviously lying. Is that so wrong? Last year I saw a guy on the street with a cute dog, and asked if I could pet him. (The dog.) "Pet him? You can have him!" I got all the way to the corner before the extend-a-leash yanked me back to reality. April Fool's! Joke's on you, buddy, because in the short time I was holding your dog, I gave him worms.
Just clicking around yesterday, I saw a couple of good April Fool's jokes, including Gmail's Custom Time and Feminist Gamer's Pokémon ring. I like the sub-jokes in Gmail's joke and I really like the second photo in Feminist Gamer's piece. I've been playing a lot of Brawl and have learned to hate that chubby, cheerfully psychotic lightning mouse. Pika! Pika! Why won't he pika-die? Squirtle, he's a good sort. I'm on the fence about Charmander and the whole Char crew.
I can't believe I just wrote a sentence that began, "I'm on the fence about Charmander." I've gone beyond April Fool's into April Barely Coherent's.
As the leading puzzle solver in the continental U.S., I wholeheartedly endorse Professor Layton and the Curious Village, the new puzzle/adventure game for the DS. Sure, it's just a copy of Games magazine cleverly concealed in a whimsical Triplets of Belleville story, but I've played plenty of adventure games where the puzzles don't match the story. Every Myst game, for example. In Professor Layton, the villagers come right out and say, "Here's a puzzle I'm working on. Solve it for me." Each puzzle I solve for these little bastards gives me access to more, better puzzles, gets me further in the story, and earns Picarats. (Picarats are points.) They tell me that if I earn enough Picarats, something good will happen. Ooh, I hope it's another puzzle!
Professor Layton has more story and humor than you'd expect, pretty much just enough to provide a sense of progression, but not enough to distract from the puzzles. Did I mention that there are puzzles? Of course, once I've beaten the game, I doubt I'll play many of the puzzles ever again, especially the ones which are simply riddles. That's where the DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT comes in. Every week, I connect to Nintendo Wi-Fi and download a new puzzle, free of charge! It's very generous of them. I haven't beaten the game yet, but I've been faithfully downloading puzzles every week.
Except that I haven't. The puzzles are already on the cart. I've been downloading a code that unlocks puzzles that I already own. Which means that unless they start actually producing puzzles, there is a finite (although large) number of puzzles remaining. Granted, the DLC is free of charge, so no one is screwing me out of money, but I feel like they're screwing me out of time. Why can't I unlock the puzzles from within the game? The fun part of downloading new content is not the actual download process. I don't get off on watching the little progress bar fill up. "Ooh, it's at 50%! Look, now it's 90%! I have more of it now!"
Damn it, Nintendo, can't you do anything right? Anything Internet related, that is? The stupid Wii codes, the crippled online mode in Smash Bros. Brawl, and now they've decided to ignore the C in DLC. Or is that the puzzle, Nintendo? If I'm clever enough to solve it, will you stop sucking ever so hard? Do I need to multiply the Wii code by the Brawl code and divide by Professor Layton's hat size? Then can I have more puzzles? I just want my Picarats, you lying sons of bitches. Don't look me in the eye and tell me you're giving them to me. I have those ones already. I need new Picarats. I'll solve any puzzle you want, just let me earn more Picarats! More! More! Something good will happen!
As a culinary genius, people often approach me on the street and ask, "How can I tell if my celery is still fresh?" Here's a handy rule of thumb:
Can you tie it in a knot?
Friday's Perspectives article, Audiosurf, GWJ. Linkety linkety link. Audiosurf will be one of those games I can show to people who don't like games. Wii Sports is another. For people who like music, or jumping around getting exercise, these types of games are worth a hundred Halos or even Rock Bands. You need to make the game not just accessible, you need to stop thinking of it as a game. Only people who like games are willing to even pick up a game. Let games be small, diverse, and inclusive, and the world will stop blindly hating them. The world doesn't need a hundred Halos anyway.
The annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn is as stupid a tradition as the turkey pardoning ceremony, but at least some kids get to run around and have fun. It doesn't annoy me as much as the turkey thing. I also like seeing the President hanging out with a giant bunny. The turkey is being exploited, but the bunny ... well, the guy in the bunny suit is probably being exploited too, but he's not some idiot bird. Usually he has more career options than a turkey. It might be nice to stand next to President Bush as he strokes and pets you, all the while thinking, "He has no idea I'm not a real bunny."
My favorite Dorothy Parker quote is when she said Dashiell Hammett was so hard-boiled you could roll him on the White House lawn. It's funnier if you actually visualize it. Go on, try it. Did the cigarette stay in his mouth or did he accidentally swallow it?
The Egg Roll is always the same, except that it gets bigger each year and more lovable non-Easter characters show up. Clifford, Charlie Brown, and the Cat in the Hat will be there this year, among others. Also, Troy Aikman. No kidding. I believe in the Easter Bunny but I'm pretty sure Troy Aikman is just a story parents tell their kids until they're old enough to figure out that the Cowboys suck. Speaking of imaginative stories, Fox News really came up with some creative ways to waste space in their article on this year's Egg Roll:
First Lady Laura Bush will be joined by special guest readers including sportscaster and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman, children's book authors Nancy Tafuri and Rosemary Wells, and Kyle Massey, star of the hit television show "Cory in the House."
The tradition of dying Easter eggs bright colors and exchanging them, hiding them and playing other games dates back to the ancient Persians. They have been coloring eggs for their New Year celebration, Nowrooz — which falls on the Spring equinox — for the past 2,500 years.
I'd prefer at least some transition between those two ideas. "As we all know, Kyle Massey is the star of 'Corey in the House.' And on a related note, the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz." By the way, in procuring the picture you see here, I ended up in some sort of weird alternate reality where the shows on the Disney Channel were treated like real shows. A world where Hannah Montana is President and all the adults just stand around waiting for a kid to talk to them. The kids go to school, but not class, just the hallway. They never work but all their cars are this year's model, and they hang out in fancy restaurants where every customer and waiter is an adolescent. It was scary! I want to go back to a simpler time, when the adults were in charge, and the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz.
See, Fox News? That's called a transition. Try it.
On the day you were born the nurses all gathered round and they said, this is the pinnacle of perfection. And so they retired.
Is that a blazing stack of radial tires? No, it is the light of your warm smile.
A local restaurant named a sandwich after you, then revoked the name because the sandwich didn't taste good enough to deserve it.
You own the Beltway.
Who put the lemon in the fish tank? Not you. You know better than to fool with pH.
You have inspired billions of walking stick insects to stand up and say, "We are not sticks. That was a ruse. We are bugs."
You found a penny.
It takes a lot of guts to admit to your limitations. It's a good sign that those limitations are temporary.
You have perfect pitch.
You taught Micronesia to laugh again with your hilarious character, "Mike Roneesia."
You value-add.
Once there was this dog, and it was a bad dog, and you hit it with your shoe and it went away. And it was a hyena.
Honey up! Honey Honey Bunches of Twigs!
The splinters are small but the taste is big!
All the grownups yell and flip their lids
Cause the honey honey taste is just for kids!
Yo, it's just for kids -- No, you can't have this
Though you might get pissed, oh we must insist
Roll away from the bowl if you want to live
Cause every other twig is a makeshift shiv
Step back, or a stick's going twixt your ribs
We're the Honey Honey Kids -- And the kids got dibs!
[Several boring screens filled with nutritional info]
All right parents, are the kids all gone?
MC Stick wants to thank you for playing along
You know my Honey Honey Twigs wouldn't hurt a fly
And your kids won't gank you and you won't die
I'm speaking slow cause I know that you care a lot
My twigs are nutritious and your precious tot
Just needs a li'l bit of silliness to take a bite
But act frightened, aiight? You gotta play this right
Are they back? Look, grownups, read my lips!
We're the Honey Honey Kids -- and the kids got dibs!
[Several minutes of cartoon bees dancing causes parents to leave]
OK kids, no kidding, I ain't playing around
Next morning, no warning, shit is gonna go down
Once the wallet's in your pocket they will call the cops
Grab the money, buy the honey, keep runnin', don't stop
Honey up! Stay tuned for some honey sweet tips
We're the Honey Honey Kids -- and the kids got dibs!
[Diagrams of safe routes from the breakfast table, to the supermarket cereal aisle, to the hideout. Faintly, in the background:]
MC Stick is a sellout whore
He's the real arms dealer in the cereal wars
He doesn't even know who he is anymore
I think I need some time alone
Stop the tape
I need to rap with myself about some things
(Copyright 1993, MC Stick and Lumber Town Records. Shortly after recording this commercial, MC Stick went on a journey of self-discovery, and largely renounced his sellout lifestyle, unless he wanted to buy something really, really nice. He was called as a witness in the trial of the Honey Honey Kid Gang, but refused to testify, saying, "If Your Honor doesn't understand the meaning of dibs, then Your Honor is wiggedy, and this whole court is wack.")
Check out Questionaut, as reviewed here, for an easy educational quiz and a nice bite-sized bit of the old Amanita Design magic. I've loved their stuff since Samorost, and now they're working on a full length adventure game called Machinarium. Questionaut screen shown here, Machinarium below. Lovely. I can't wait.
Amanita's Jakub Dvorský discusses Machinarium a bit in this IndieGames interview. In it he says he's "tired" of 3D realistic games, and has no plans to make a 3D adventure game. Since his games appear to be designed with an eye towards art, then puzzles, then story, without any focus on "action," his attitude makes sense. Adventure games don't do well with 3D realism. At first glance, I thought that Machinarium picture was concept art, but in fact it's an actual screenshot. The game will look just like that, like a hand-crafted work of art. For that matter, it'll look like all the other Amanita games, because they've really nailed down a distinctive style.
Compare that to 3D worlds, which can look imaginative or naturalistic but almost never appear hand-crafted. Most 3D games don't look like sculpture or art installations. That would be pointless -- they would just be sub-par sculpture. Real-life textures are always slightly better. But a 2D game can look like and essentially be a drawing or painting, well-framed and full of subtle details. Dvorský, animator Vaclav Blin, and the rest of Amanita Design manage to pull it off with every game they create, and as long as they're still crafting games, the 2D adventure will never die. Also, painting and sculpture will probably limp along, too, for what it's worth.
So I didn't link to the No More Heroes article yet? Better do that before it gets stale. I'll post something else about it here, later this week. It'll be a little less reviewy and a little more thinky, without neglecting the slashy slashy otaku sexy. (If you say that fast, over and over, it sounds like the world's worst techno song.)
People ask me if I'm on hiatus and I say, "I don't even know what that word means. It sounds like a kind of tree."
