Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Phone In Friday: High Five!

"Hey buddy, slip me some skin!  Preferably yours!"

"Up high!  Down low!  Behind the back!  Both hands!  Pizzicato glissandi!"

"Yo, I need to take your fingerprints on the ink pad of my hand, as I am currently booking you on charges of being my friend."

"C'mon now, I need my daily dose of bro-lic acid!"

"Please caress my palm as briefly and violently as possible, old chum."

"Don't leave me hanging!  I'm fully committed to this gesture and if no one slaps my hand down I'll have a tough time getting back into the car."

"All right!  I just washed but didn't dry my hands!  Wet one, hit it!"

"Aw yeah!  I've never, ever washed my hands!  Adhesive one, hit it!"

"Boo ya!  Slap my dumb-ass face, but miss!"

Technorati Tags: Friday, Phone In Friday, high five

Stand to the What Now?

Many people ride the thrilling escalators of the DC Metro and most of them stand to the right side, walk on the left.  That's just how it works.  However, DC also draws a lot of out-of-towners, or as we call them, Horgawomphenarians, especially around the Fourth of July weekend, who often block everyone by standing to the left.  It's annoying, but it happens all the time.  So what?

Some Metro stations have little signs that read "Stand to the Right" and do not work.  Some stations have embarrassingly obvious announcements telling people to stand to the right, which also does not work.  There are Stand to the Right T-shirts.  Wow.  That's really committing yourself and your wardrobe to something that will never work.  It's a cliché.  It's "Mind the gap" for a less tolerant city.

The deal is that people will tell you to move or they will run around you.  A little obnoxious, maybe.

But you know what's even more obnoxious?  Some guy - I'll call him Mort for reasons that will be revealed later - planted at the bottom of the escalator, shouting over and over, "Stand to the right!  People are trying to get through!  Stand to the right, people!  Everyone has places to be!  Come on!"

This utter tool yelled at an escalator full of tourists for several minutes.  There's nothing worse than taking a minor annoyance and getting overly emotional about it.  People who get angry like that disgust and infuriate me.

Later:  Oh, and Mort, I named you that in my head because I wished you would DIE

Technorati Tags: hypocrisy, DC, Metro, stand to the right

Forever Stamps FAQ

Q:  What is a "Forever Stamp" anyway?  It sounds crazy!

A:  Crazy like a fox made of savings, my friend.  A Forever Stamp is simply a first class stamp, currently priced at 42 cents, which can be used to mail a one ounce letter at any point in the future.

Q:  So, if postal rates go up, I can still use it without having to tack on some lame one cent stamp?

A:  Yes, that's exactly right.

Q:  So what if postal rates go down?

A:  Don't worry, that won't happen.

Q:  But hypothetically, if the price of stamps goes down to 41 cents again, do you send me a penny?

A:  Yes!  We put it in one of those weird cards grandmothers use to send change.  You should have your penny within four to six weeks.  However, once it arrives, we'll immediately raise the rate again.

Q:  Wait, you'll raise the rate back to 42 cents?  Really?

A:  No, we're raising it to 43 cents, because we lost money on that last transaction.  We need to recoup our losses.  But don't worry, your Forever Stamp has now increased in value by two cents.  That's nice, right?

Q:  I guess so.  This is complicated.

A:  No, no, it's as simple as a mule made of savings.  All you have to do is send us back the penny, because by raising the rate, we essentially gave you a free penny.  You also have to include another penny, which is that 43rd cent.  So just mail us two pennies in a granny card.  Immediately.

Q:  But that's my money!

A:  No, your money is right there in the stamp.  You can use it at any time.  In fact, why don't you use that Forever Stamp to send us back our two cents?  Then you can buy a new Forever Stamp at the low price of 43 cents.  It'll pay off when we increase the rates, that is, if we increase rates.  We might lower them instead.

Q:  OK, hypothetically, here's your two cents.  Your logic is impeccable, but I don't know, it seems like you're ripping me off ...

A:  So long, sucker!

Q:  What?  What did you say?

Q:  Are you there?

Q:  Hello?  U.S. Postal Service?

Q:  Hello?

Technorati Tags: Forever Stamps, stamps, the postal service, PHILATELY 4 LIFE

Fun links:  A great investment?  No, obviously not.

Magic Cucumber

Oh it's summer in the bayou and we're jamming on guitars
On my rocket ship I'll fly you to the grooviest of stars
Gonna meet them Martian peoples with their crazy buggy eyes
They have dandelions for nipples and they bake marshmallow pies

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
Come inside, take a ride with the magic cucumber!
Come along, sing a song to the magic cucumber!

Now everyone, let's build a fire we can dance around and laugh
Cause tonight we'll all get higher than an extra tall giraffe
Here among the trees and marshes we don't need to make excuses
Here where no one ever washes and we're all licensed masseuses

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
Get down - no, further down - with the magic cucumber!
It's all right, take a bite of the magic cucumber!

It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
And we're just singing a sooong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
Ain't doing nothing wrooong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
How did it get so looong
It's just a cuke
Oh!  It's just a cuke
Get out your salad tooongs

Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!
Hoo!  Hoo!  What'll you do?  Magic cucumber!
You're so fine, I'll give you mine if you give me your number
Eating daisies, getting lazy, slip into slumber
Hoo!  Hoo!  Coming through!  Magic cucumber!, etc.

[Copyright 1968, Stickley Funkhempler and the Love Project Experience Group]

Which Whitley Are You?

It's often been said that there are two types of people in this "Different World" of ours: Whitleys and non-Whitleys.  It's also said that non-Whitleys are just Whitleys that haven't realized it yet.  Pre-Whitleys, if you will.  Every soul on Earth takes on a different aspect of Whitley, but there is only one Whitley, and she is we.  So which Whitley are you?

Evil Whitley

Evil Whitley is not really evil.  We prefer to call her First Season Whitley.  She has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement because her family hath donated a lot of money to Hillman.  She also hath an overdeveloped Southern accent, very different from the accent heard in 99.9% of Southerners.  It's the sort of drawl never heard outside of Julep: The Musical or radio advertisements for Gran'paw Molasses' Ole-Fashioned Cotton Slaw.  Do not fear Evil Whitley, accept her, drawl and all.  Y'all.

Redemption Whitley

Once Denise Huxtable leaves school to teach African children how to knit sweaters from Jell-o, Whitley suddenly becomes a likeable character.  She's still a stuck up Southern Belle, but now she receives a comeuppance and/or learns a valuable lesson about once an episode.  Thus the long, long road of Whitleyan redemption begins.  Her romantic life enters its pupal stage, during which she dates Julian, the student who is not Dwayne Wayne, even though she and Dwayne Wayne are meant to be.  Do you, like Redemption Whitley, not yet recognize your true love?  No?  How would you know, smarty?  You don't recognize them yet.  Q.E.D.

Scheming Whitley

Scheming Whitley is half evil, half good.  She has realized that Dwayne Wayne is the only one for her, but she attempts to interfere in his current relationship.  Her energies are misdirected.  The stone which touches water must forever leave the mountain.  When the sunglasses are flipped down, the world goes dark, but when they are flipped up, the light is blinding.  Do not travel during Scheming Whitley.

Whitley of the Wed

Wednesday is the day of wedding, and this is the day when our own Whitley must marry the Dwayne Wayne.  She will be Whitley Gilbert, of Gilbert Hall, no longer.  Now she must become Whitley Wayne!  Her initials are W.W.  Added together, that makes the letter U four times ("double U"), or the words, "For You."  Whitley Wayne is for you!  Feel good about that!  Her royal crest is that of A Different World's final season, which is that of an azure Sinbad sinister on a pair of ravens, water skiing over the head of a shark.

Jasmine Guy

Jasmine Guy is technically a post-Whitley.  If you are born under the sign of Jasmine Guy, you retain some Whitleyan essence, but you have moved on to other projects and find it heartbreaking to tell small children that no, Hillman is not a real college that they can attend someday, and no, Dwayne Wayne does not teach there.  "Now y'all scatter, y'all li'l scalliwags, y'all.  Jasmine Guy needs to put on her eye shades and face mask and catch a lil' ol' beauty sleep."

Technorati Tags: Whitley, Whitley Gilbert, Dwayne Wayne, Hillman College, A Different World, from where you come from

Phone In Friday: Horrifying Children's Book Titles

• The Velveteen Racist
• Frog and Toad Are Frenemies
• Bridge to Terrible Accident
• Some Damn Caterpillar Ate Your Book, No Refunds 
• The Project Runway Bunny
• The Roly Poly Puppy Struggles With Roly Polio
• A Child's Garden of Chiggers
• If You Lead a Mouse to Believe That a Cookie Will Be Forthcoming After Certain Services Have Been Rendered, That Is to Say, Once a Certain Third Party Has Been Eliminated ...
• The Boxcar Children
• Are You There, God? It's Me, Edward James Olmos

Technorati Tags: one of those is real!

LostWinds

Here's a review of LostWinds, a nice prize at the bottom of the WiiWare cereal box.  It's exactly what I want to see from WiiWare: small, creative games that use the Wii remote like a mouse.  In coming years, the Wii remote's ability to simulate a mouse will bring in more independent developers who don't want to make one more Asteroids clone for Xbox Live Arcade.  It's less intuitive than a mouse, but it's closer to one than any other controller.  Anyway, give the LostWinds website a look, it's a charming game.  Even though it's a bit short, it presents several fun ways of using wind to toss this cute little kid around his adowable wittle viwwage.  Er, that's "village."

Technorati Tags: LostWinds, WiiWare, Wii, GWJ

Indiana Jones and the Hidden Laser Kid

Saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this weekend.  I'd heard such terrible things about it and my expectations were lowered sufficiently for me to really enjoy most of the movie.  Thanks, expectation lowerers!  I think it's a good movie, it just has too many crystal skulls.  Isn't that always the way.  Just take out every scene which features a crystal skull, and it becomes one long, exciting chase scene.  The last part of the movie gets offensively dumb, and not coincidentally, that's just when a dozen new crystal skulls show up.  Next time, fewer crystal skulls, more helpful monkeys.  I genuinely liked the helpful monkeys and I loved the refrigerator bit.  That whole sequence was perfectly paced, leading up to a surprisingly beautiful final image.  Admittedly, that fridge sequence could've been improved with a few helpful monkeys.  You can usually squeeze at least two helpful monkeys into any fridge, in the crisper drawers.

But I'm not here to review movies.  I'm here to heckle a fellow audience member: the kid in the back with the laser pointer.  He raises so many issues!

• So, kid, you took a laser pointer to the movie and occasionally made a little red dot on the screen.  Did you plan that out beforehand?  Did you just happen to have a laser pointer and suddenly realize, hey, I can interact with the movie in a special way?  Did you re-contextualize the movie or are you just an asshole?
• Where do you even get laser pointers anymore?  Do you have to special order them from the '80s?  Why not point a Zune or some modern piece of loser technology at the screen?  Were you pointing it old school?
• I only saw the red dot three times during this two hour movie.  Were you afraid of getting caught?  Did you just think those three scenes needed a red dot?  Why did you put it on someone's face each time?  Was it supposed to be a bindi dot?  Oh wait, was it supposed to be an Indy dot?  Whoa!
• Were you trying to activate the crystal skull?
• Remember that red line on the map showing Indy's route through South America?  Were you trying to point out a better route, with less traffic?  Are you like the Google Maps of assholes?
• Are you, I don't know, socially awkward, and this was all a desperate cry for attention?  Is this the only way you can interact with the world, through brief, pathetic bursts of light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation?  Oh, no.  Did you - did you just want to pet the pretty monkeys?
• Gee, now I'm all sad.  My apologies, kid.  In retrospect, I'm sorry I threw that drink at you.  And I'm glad it hit someone else.

Technorati Tags: Indiana Jones, crystal skulls, helpful monkeys, laser kids

Edible Epaulets

These were a huge hit at the Memorial Day barbeque!

Ingredients

1 lb. ground bison meat

2 cups corn meal

1 stick butter, chilled

1/2 cup ice water

salt, pepper, Montreal steak seasoning, adobo, curry powder, whatever

(seriously, you could use Pop Rocks, it doesn't matter, it all gets deep fried)

soba noodles

nicely ironed shirts you don't mind ruining

The Dough

With well-floured hands, tear the butter into little crumbs and work it into the corn meal, along with about 1/2 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp pepper.  Try not to work it over too much.  Add the ice water, 1 tsp at a time, mashing it up with a fork, until the dough just barely holds together, then toss the rest of the ice water, or drink it, or save it for next Memorial Day.  Let the dough chill in the fridge while you cook up the meat.

The Meat

Sauté it in some oil and your seasoning of choice.  Don't overcook it because bison gets tough.  Don't cook it near a cliff because bison gets spooked and runs over the edge.

Dough, Part II

Roll out the dough to about 1/4 inch thick on a well-floured board.  The rolling pin should be well-floured as well.  Hell, just put flour on everything in the house, it's easier.  Then cut it into circles, six or seven inches in diameter.  The size of the epaulets does not necessarily indicate rank, but rather the amount of delicious meat filling.  Put several spoonfuls of meat filling on a circle, cover it with another circle, and use a fork to seal the edges tightly.

Soba Noodles

Boil water, cook the soba noodles until al dente, or whatever the Japanese term for al dente is.  Drain.

Deep Fry

Fill a big pot with oil and deep fry the epaulets one at a time.  Health-conscious chefs can use sunflower oil or some other light oil.  Less health-conscious chefs can avoid oil altogether and use plu gras, or fill the whole pot with bacon fat.  The epaulets are done when they're golden and crispy all over.  They're overdone if they explode.  Just before that happens, throw in a handful of soba noodles, which should stick to them like a tasseled fringe.  Pull them out with tongs and let them dry on the nicely ironed shirts, one on each shoulder.  Put on the shirt, and

March Around Town Looking Yummy

Feel free to spend all day drinking grog, referring to yourself as Admiral Tasty of H.M.S. Picnic Surprise, and inviting everyone to take a bite of your edible epaulets.  By the end of the day, you'll be covered in glory, or possibly gravy, rolling about on the grass amid millions of festive, adoring fire ants.

Technorati Tags: picnics, Memorial Day, epaulets, edible epaulets, recipes

Back

Yes, it's been a long hiatus, but the site is back.  I was neither slacking nor gallivanting.  I was having a baby and taking care of her.   She's a little more self-sufficient now, so I can alternate between cuddling her and the Internet.  Check it out, she's gone from this

to this

in only a month.  Crazy! 

New content is on its way after the weekend, on Monday, unless there's some kind of federal holiday, which seems unlikely.

Technorati Tags: Banditas! Banditas! Banditas!

Won't Be Home

Due to some things and whatnot, this site is on vacation for a certain unspecified length of time.  Sorry.  Banditos! will be back soon with more lies, games, and words.  Until then, here are a few older posts which people liked.

The Waiting Game

Touching Letters From Adorable Children

Harry Potter Has Many Feelings

The Darjeeling Limited, 6/8

Run and/or Gun (Finally playing TR: Anniversary, it's brilliant)

More Alpha Prime Out of Context

The Department of Peace, 2100

But Along the Way, I Learned Something

Technorati Tags: back very soon, no more filler, pinky swear

Hearsay, But I'll Allow It

I can't avoid mentioning this rumor for another second.  It's all over the gamy news sites.  It may have been debunked already.  I don't care.

This photo is a leaked scan of the upcoming issue of Famitsu, credited to JapaneseGIRL on Court-Records.net, the most comprehensive and entertaining Phoenix Wright/Apollo Justice fan site out there.  I believe the rumor (or let's say, as-yet-unsubstantiated fact) originates on this blog.  It is that Capcom, which has been teasing something like this for a while, will announce a new game called Gyakuten Kenji/Turnabout Prosecutor, starring Edgeworth and Gumshoe.

It's a third person point and click adventure for the DS, with crime scene investigation and prosecution and, as previously mentioned, starring Edgeworth.  (And Gumshoe!)  As the star, I can only assume that Edgeworth will be in this game a lot.  Third person means more Edgeworth on my little screens.  Point and click means I can make him run across the screen all day long.  Tap one part of the screen and he runs over there and investigates a little.  Tap another and he runs all the way back and starts prosecutin' up a storm!  Take that!  A whole game's worth of Edgeworth!

I don't often say "squee."  I feel it's unbecoming.  But, however,

squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Technorati Tags: Gyakuten Kenji, Turnabout Prosecutor, Edgeworth, Gumshoe, Court Records, rumors, hope, hope hope

 

Thief 4, Please Steal My Heart Anew

Is Eidos Montreal working on a new Thief game?  Eurogamer put together some clues and came up yesterday with a very definite "perhaps."  I've posted a screen shot from Thief 4 right here.  It's right there, hiding in plain sight.  What, you can't see it?  Ha ha!  I snatch your golden goblet, and I escape into the night!  It's my goblet now.  Goblet keepers.

When I played Thief for the first time, it really got into my head.  When I walked my dog at night, I tried to stay within the shadows.  If I saw people walking through a room it seemed as if they were on "patrol" and I half-consciously memorized their patterns.  I also had some really odd dreams in those days, because in case you didn't know, every Thief game has one very, very frightening level.  Just one.  The other levels are merely suspenseful, although very, very suspenseful.

According to Eurogamer,

Thief is a stealth-action title set in a gritty world that's a cross between the late middle ages and Victorian eras. It sees players creeping around and killing people by using their environment to cloak their approach and dump bodies down sewer hatches.

which is laughably untrue.  The game is not about killing people, it's about sneaking behind them and hiding in shadows when they turn around.  I have no idea where they got the bit about dropping bodies into sewers.  Thief sees players dousing torches to create shadows, walking on carpets to mask their footsteps, causing distractions, and leaning out of hidden alcoves to pick a guard's pocket.  Most of the damn game is just waiting.  The main game mechanic is sitting quietly and attentively.  If today's school kids played Thief, there would be much less ADHD, although admittedly, there would be many more pickpockets.  But damn it, they'd be focused pickpockets.

Technorati Tags: Thief 4, Thief, stealth action, the identity-confused genre

I Need A Burner

I need a burner.  Are you using that burner?  I'm cooking food.  It's here, in a pan.  Uncooked.

That's your burner?  Whatever, I'm easy.  Can I use that other burner?

No?  Can I use that one than?

What about that one?

Well, what about that one?  Yes, I know that's the first burner.  I thought maybe you had finished with it while I was asking about the other ones.  I need a burner.

Maybe I haven't been clear.  I'm trying to make food.  In order to make food, I need to cook it.  If I don't cook it, it's not food, it's just ingredients.  Cooking requires heat, which comes from a burner, etc.  It gets a little technical but the upshot is that those things, in front of you?  I need one.  Move.

We're not here to talk about your pan.  This is about the burner under the pan.  Focus.

Listen to me!  We don't have much time!  If you're cold you should put on a sweater, and if you like looking at fire, Hanukkah is coming up and it's just a huge damn festival of lights.  But right now - look at me! - I need a burner, and you, for some perverse reason, insist on standing between my food and its rightful burner.  You just burner blocked me.  Not cool.

You know I wouldn't ask for myself.  This is about the food.  It really, really wants to be cooked, on a burner.  Look at it, you can tell.  Oh please, make its wishes come true!

Let's play a game.  I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you will have freed up a burner.  Here we go.  My eyes are closed.  Is the burner free?  I'm going to open my eyes ...

Yay!  A burner!  Finally.  See?  Now I shall cook.  That wasn't so hard, was it?

What do you mean, you spat in my food?

Technorati Tags: cooking, burners, stoves, Top Chef saliva challenge

Bonus link:  Microwave tips!  You can put metal in one.

Word Fixer: Games Journalism

I was reading a review on a well-known, mainstream game site and stopped short at this sentence:

The graphics are easily a few years out of date but it somehow still works because the lab is a rundown place that time has forgotten so not having first-rate graphics isn't that big of a deal.

Beautiful.  Clunky, way too long, and the best part is that all those words add up to absolutely nothing.  Game reviews always mention graphics but almost never provide specific images.  "A few years out of date."  Can't you just picture that?  However, it still works because as we all know, once time forgets a laboratory, the actual surfaces and lighting effects start to look antiquated.  Did you ever see a lab from, say, 1986?  You know, those old EGA laboratories, which had only 16 colors.

Don't worry, unspecified game reviewer, I'll fix your sentence!  How?  By changing it from "games journalism" (which is so befuddled that in some circles I have been called a games journalist - that's how woefully fucked "games journalism" is) to the much more respectable form of literary journalism!

As I wander, lonely as a cloud full of sighs, through the dilapidated remains of this laboratory of my childhood, I am suddenly and quietly felled by a overwhelming wave of sympathy and respect for the simple beauty of those poorly rendered 8-bit beakers; I finally understand - understand! - the uncomplaining way they watch me pass each day, how their quotidian ritual of sitting immobile and not being affected by lighting, physics, or anti-aliasing perfectly mirrors the laboratory's "take me as I am" philosophy (no "good graphics" or "bad graphics," just "graphics") which has led to it, the noble laboratory, accepting me, an insightful outsider, as one of its own ... which, in turn, is why I finally, at last, at long last, feel at home here, with the shitty looking beakers, and the fugly pipettes.

Now your sentence is beautiful, and what's more, it's longer.  Longer is always better!  That is the sentiment which was rapturously expressed, last night, by your mom.

Technorati Tags: Fixer, Word Fixer, games journalism, literary journalism, offending everyone I know in one dumb swoop, so what else is new?

April Fooled Again

It's the Internet's only holiday, but we don't celebrate it here.  This site is all lies anyway, so it would be redundant.  To professional liars, April Fool's Day is amateur hour.  I stayed home yesterday and deveined shrimp all day.  I used a paring knife rather than a deveiner, while constantly yelling "April Fool's!"  The shrimp thought it was hilarious.  That's how a true professional fools it up, April-style.

Yes, I fall for April Fool's gags on occasion, not because I'm gullible, but because I trust other people.  People who are obviously lying.  Is that so wrong?  Last year I saw a guy on the street with a cute dog, and asked if I could pet him.  (The dog.)  "Pet him?  You can have him!"  I got all the way to the corner before the extend-a-leash yanked me back to reality.  April Fool's!  Joke's on you, buddy, because in the short time I was holding your dog, I gave him worms.

Just clicking around yesterday, I saw a couple of good April Fool's jokes, including Gmail's Custom Time and Feminist Gamer's Pokémon ring.  I like the sub-jokes in Gmail's joke and I really like the second photo in Feminist Gamer's piece.  I've been playing a lot of Brawl and have learned to hate that chubby, cheerfully psychotic lightning mouse.  Pika!  Pika!  Why won't he pika-die?  Squirtle, he's a good sort.  I'm on the fence about Charmander and the whole Char crew.

I can't believe I just wrote a sentence that began, "I'm on the fence about Charmander."  I've gone beyond April Fool's into April Barely Coherent's.

Technorati Tags: April Fool's Day, Gmail, Feminist Gamer, Pikachu, Squirtle, Charmander, Pika-shame

Professor Betray-ton and the Curious Village of LIES

As the leading puzzle solver in the continental U.S., I wholeheartedly endorse Professor Layton and the Curious Village, the new puzzle/adventure game for the DS.  Sure, it's just a copy of Games magazine cleverly concealed in a whimsical Triplets of Belleville story, but I've played plenty of adventure games where the puzzles don't match the story.  Every Myst game, for example.  In Professor Layton, the villagers come right out and say, "Here's a puzzle I'm working on.  Solve it for me."  Each puzzle I solve for these little bastards gives me access to more, better puzzles, gets me further in the story, and earns Picarats.  (Picarats are points.)  They tell me that if I earn enough Picarats, something good will happen.  Ooh, I hope it's another puzzle!

Professor Layton has more story and humor than you'd expect, pretty much just enough to provide a sense of progression, but not enough to distract from the puzzles.  Did I mention that there are puzzles?  Of course, once I've beaten the game, I doubt I'll play many of the puzzles ever again, especially the ones which are simply riddles.  That's where the DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT comes in.  Every week, I connect to Nintendo Wi-Fi and download a new puzzle, free of charge!  It's very generous of them.  I haven't beaten the game yet, but I've been faithfully downloading puzzles every week.

Except that I haven't.  The puzzles are already on the cart.  I've been downloading a code that unlocks puzzles that I already own.  Which means that unless they start actually producing puzzles, there is a finite (although large) number of puzzles remaining.  Granted, the DLC is free of charge, so no one is screwing me out of money, but I feel like they're screwing me out of time.  Why can't I unlock the puzzles from within the game?  The fun part of downloading new content is not the actual download process.  I don't get off on watching the little progress bar fill up.  "Ooh, it's at 50%!  Look, now it's 90%!  I have more of it now!"

Damn it, Nintendo, can't you do anything right?  Anything Internet related, that is?  The stupid Wii codes, the crippled online mode in Smash Bros. Brawl, and now they've decided to ignore the C in DLC.  Or is that the puzzle, Nintendo?  If I'm clever enough to solve it, will you stop sucking ever so hard?  Do I need to multiply the Wii code by the Brawl code and divide by Professor Layton's hat size?  Then can I have more puzzles?  I just want my Picarats, you lying sons of bitches.  Don't look me in the eye and tell me you're giving them to me.  I have those ones already.  I need new Picarats.  I'll solve any puzzle you want, just let me earn more Picarats!  More!  More!  Something good will happen!

Technorati Tags: Professor Layton, Professor Layton and the Curious Village, DLC, downloadable content, Nintendo, Picarat withdrawal

The Freshness

As a culinary genius, people often approach me on the street and ask, "How can I tell if my celery is still fresh?"  Here's a handy rule of thumb:

Can you tie it in a knot?

Technorati Tags: celery, knots, fresh vegetables, I should check the fridge more often, no gumbo tonight

Audiosurf

Friday's Perspectives article, Audiosurf,  GWJ.  Linkety linkety link.  Audiosurf will be one of those games I can show to people who don't like games.  Wii Sports is another.  For people who like music, or jumping around getting exercise, these types of games are worth a hundred Halos or even Rock Bands.  You need to make the game not just accessible, you need to stop thinking of it as a game.  Only people who like games are willing to even pick up a game.  Let games be small, diverse, and inclusive, and the world will stop blindly hating them.  The world doesn't need a hundred Halos anyway.

Technorati Tags: Audiosurf, Gamers with Jobs, GWJ, links, brevity

The White House Egg Roll

The annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn is as stupid a tradition as the turkey pardoning ceremony, but at least some kids get to run around and have fun.  It doesn't annoy me as much as the turkey thing.  I also like seeing the President hanging out with a giant bunny.  The turkey is being exploited, but the bunny ... well, the guy in the bunny suit is probably being exploited too, but he's not some idiot bird.  Usually he has more career options than a turkey.  It might be nice to stand next to President Bush as he strokes and pets you, all the while thinking, "He has no idea I'm not a real bunny."

My favorite Dorothy Parker quote is when she said Dashiell Hammett was so hard-boiled you could roll him on the White House lawn.  It's funnier if you actually visualize it.  Go on, try it.  Did the cigarette stay in his mouth or did he accidentally swallow it?

The Egg Roll is always the same, except that it gets bigger each year and more lovable non-Easter characters show up.  Clifford, Charlie Brown, and the Cat in the Hat will be there this year, among others.  Also, Troy Aikman.  No kidding.  I believe in the Easter Bunny but I'm pretty sure Troy Aikman is just a story parents tell their kids until they're old enough to figure out that the Cowboys suck.  Speaking of imaginative stories, Fox News really came up with some creative ways to waste space in their article on this year's Egg Roll:

First Lady Laura Bush will be joined by special guest readers including sportscaster and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman, children's book authors Nancy Tafuri and Rosemary Wells, and Kyle Massey, star of the hit television show "Cory in the House."

The tradition of dying Easter eggs bright colors and exchanging them, hiding them and playing other games dates back to the ancient Persians. They have been coloring eggs for their New Year celebration, Nowrooz — which falls on the Spring equinox — for the past 2,500 years.

I'd prefer at least some transition between those two ideas.  "As we all know, Kyle Massey is the star of 'Corey in the House.'  And on a related note, the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz."  By the way, in procuring the picture you see here, I ended up in some sort of weird alternate reality where the shows on the Disney Channel were treated like real shows.  A world where Hannah Montana is President and all the adults just stand around waiting for a kid to talk to them.  The kids go to school, but not class, just the hallway.  They never work but all their cars are this year's model, and they hang out in fancy restaurants where every customer and waiter is an adolescent.  It was scary!  I want to go back to a simpler time, when the adults were in charge, and the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz.

See, Fox News?  That's called a transition.  Try it.

Technorati Tags: Easter, D.C., White House Egg Roll, Dorothy Parker, Dashiell Hammett, Kyle Massey, Nowrooz