Guitar Hero Swirly Eye

It is a testament to the quality of the writing (and choice of material) that I continue to read Heroine Sheik despite the fact that the title spoiled Ocarina of Time for me.  Honestly, I stopped playing halfway through.  And I didn't even bother playing Twilight Princess because I heard about Link being Zelda's father.  But I can't stay mad when posts like this one hit so close to home:

I think I have a problem. Maybe you remember, in the past I’ve admitted to feeling queasy when I play first-person shooters (not particularly hardcore of me, I know). But I never expected to hit a similar wall with Guitar Hero, of all games.  To tell the truth though, when I play, I feel distinctly carsick.

This is exactly what happened when I first played Guitar Hero.  I wanted it to be a really special experience, so I drank a lot of Scotch, lit some pillar candles, and rocked out continuously for at least an hour.  I discovered that a) if you need to hit orange fret you should train a damn monkey to press it for you, because you can't reach that fucker, and b) this weird optical effect takes place when you look away from the screen.  It looked like the floor was melting and swirling up towards me.  I actually thought (remember, Scotch) I was watching a sinkhole or minor earthquake.  Then I thought (pillar candles) that it was my fault -- perhaps I had rocked at the exact frequency of the soil layer and the sympathetic vibration had everyone in the neighborhood cowering in doorways.  Should I go outside and shout, "Don't worry, this isn't a terrorist attack!  It's More Than a Feeling!"

My eyes adjusted.  I cottoned on.  And although it still got confusing at times, thanks to Guitar Hero I learned everything there is to know about playing guitar.  I'm now the next Stevie Ray Vaughan, or third in line to be Stevie Ray Vaughan, or something like that.  Kids, practice your Guitar Hero!  Practice every day and you can be like me -- strung out on Rice Krispie Treats and Sprite, playing to sold out crowds of screaming fans, all of whom are rendered from the same three models, following beautiful Euterpe down the green, red, yellow, and blue highway to musical immortality.  And by the way, there is no orange highway to immortality.  That's a goddamn lie.