Touching Letters from Adorable Children
Why I Smell
by Oswald M., age 5
First of all, I don't smell bad. I smell like everyone else, just more. And also, shut up.
Some people take a shower every day. That is wasteful of water. I don't ever shower, but I take baths, which is better for the environment. Queen Elizabeth I took a bath once a month. I take a bath more often than that. So there.
As soon as I get out of the tub, I put on new clothes. I have a system. I take the old shirt, pants, and underwear I've been wearing and put them back in the drawer. They've been "demoted" and can now recharge in the dark until they're clean again. The other clothes get to vote on what my new outfit will be, which is a real honor, because that outfit stays with me night and day, learning from my wisdom. Sometimes it's a popular outfit, or some clothes that haven't had much of a chance to see the world. It's not up to me.
That's why sometimes I wear the footie pajamas for weeks. The clothes have spoken.
Some people wash their faces every day, but I do something better. I use the blow dryer on my face, which caramelizes the dirt into a hard, protective shell. Also, it adds flavor. My face tastes like peanut brittle. Lick it and you'll agree.
And even if you care about the environment, you should change your socks every day. But people don't realize that if you turn a sock inside out, it becomes a new sock. Where'd the old sock go? It's a mystery. And you can also switch the left and right socks, that counts. It also counts if you add stickers or decals.
Don't give in to peer pressure, or parent pressure. No one can make you wash if they can't find you, like for example if you blend in with the backyard. And although your friends might make fun of you, you'll make new friends. The birds nesting in your hair will be your alarm clock. The pinworms will sing you to sleep.
That's why I smell. I smell because I have experienced life, and I don't want to wash it off. And you can't make me.
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