More Alpha Prime Out of Context
I beat Alpha Prime. I wanted to see if it could get any worse. It sure could! Around halfway through they begin running out of ways to rip off Half-Life 2 and start biting on Doom 3. That's around when the "Coral Snake" plot line kicks in. "Coral Snake" is the code name of someone who might be a double agent, working to foil Arnie, the player character. Who could Coral Snake be? Well, there are only three characters besides Arnie, and one of them is overtly evil, so you do the math. At the end, it turns out that one of the two remaining characters is Coral Snake. Huge surprise!
The "Glomar's Heart" plot line makes even less sense. I still don't really understand that one. Glomar is some kind of magical entity or something (we never see him, and the game assumes we already know about him) and his Heart grants wishes, if you can find it. Coincidentally, his Heart happens to reside on this crappy mining asteroid, for a little while at least. At other times, Glomar's Heart flits around the universe granting wishes, I think. It's confusing. The finale is a very, very lame boss battle in which you run around pressing buttons on the walls because none of your weapons will permanently kill this hulking monstrosity. You're carrying a damn rocket launcher which for all the damage it does, may as well be a strongly worded letter to the editor. Boss battle, Arnie. Don't fight back, try the wall buttons!
The final cut scene makes Halo look like brilliant storytelling. I didn't think I could be more disappointed by this game, but they found a way. Indescribably bad. Rather than wrapping up the story in any way, they attempt to set it up for a sequel, which is just so darned optimistic. Bless their little retarded souls.
Come on in and see the rest of my collection of ridiculous quotes from Alpha Prime. Every one of these is at least as befuddling as Resident Evil's famous "Master of Unlocking." The last one, in bold, I've begun saying in casual conversation, and it's done wonders for my social life. Try it!
"Did they give the marines some kind of better shopping bag or what? . . . That's what you call one hot potato!"
"I had a reality check, baby. You're in cahoots with them. Once again I've let you lead me down the garden path even though I know you well."
"We romped around a little on the ship. I'm not a whore. I'm being disgustingly frank with you, Arnie."
"You know women ain't shit."
"Well I'll bear that in mind, Mr. Eavesdropper Extraordinaire!"
"I need to throw some rotten tomatos on the stage."
"Probably someone from that shower of bastards."
"I didn't know that the troops had licked him into shape!"
"Ass is needlessly vulgar. I personally am betting on the duodendum and pancreas."
"If you touch that Heart, Glomar will enslave you. You'll be a rookie taking on an old warhorse. Glomar will fuck you over."
And he will. Oh, he truly will.
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