The Department of Peace, 2100
Monday
"Morning, Bill. Chamomile?"
"Nah, I'm jittery already."
"What's wrong?"
"I just keep worrying about Martinez. He's out there in the field, all alone. One false move and he's roadkill."
"He's a symbol of peace, Bill. He knew that going in."
"I know, but damn it! He's only two."
"If it makes you feel any better, that's twenty-six in dove years."
Tuesday
"As Lord Kucinich taught us, many years ago, if one wants to increase the peace, one must study war. All wars. History doesn't repeat itself, but it rhymes, and drops mad science on all our punk asses. For example, the French and Indian War. Could it happen again? You bet it could. If we let our guard down for a split second, we could be overrun by French fur traders wielding obscure but pointy cooking utensils faster than you can say Sacre bleu! I'm serious, you will not have enough time to get to the bleu! You might not even get through Sacre if you get hung up on rolling the R."
Wednesday
"Peace Department! We have you surrounded. Come out slowly and gently!
Put your hands on your heads! That's right, easy does it . . . now put your arms around each other. Do it! Good, now on my mark, hug each other. Now!
Hug it out, hug it out . . .
Now apologize to each other. Sincerely. You there, accept responsibility for your actions. You, listen with an open heart. Open your heart or I'll put a bullet through it.
Alright, you, by the sword, start beating it into a ploughshare. And you with the spear, fashion it into a pruning hook. I don't know what that is, either, but I'll know it when I see it.
The rest of you, circle up. We're each going to say something we like about someone else. I'll start: I like how compliant you scumbags are.
I said, you can stop hugging now. What? No? All right, when you're ready. Bottle up those emotions, people, save some for later. I'm gonna get some lunch. Peace out."
Thursday
"And if you hold up your fingers like this, you get a peace sign. Pay attention, class. Although the peace sign is completely innocuous, if I rotate my hand around, like this --"
"I say, what was that, old chap? That's rather cheeky of you."
"You see, I've just offended Reginald Thickletwist-Posthaste. That's because in the U.K., this is an offensive gesture, like flipping the bird. As you can see, the middle finger has no effect on Reginald."
"What's this now? I rather enjoy it."
"Moving on, we have the pictorial peace sign, a circle with three lines, very popular in the 1960s and of course in modern times, a mandatory tattoo. Mine is right here on the small of my back. It has no effect on Americans, but when I display it, as you can see, Reginald begins salivating."
Friday
"Nice one, Bill. I guess that's one warmonger who won't be mongering again!"
"Yeah, he went from a warmonger to a fearmonger when his fear was, um, that is, what I mean to say is that he looked scared when I shot him. That one got away from me a little."
"You want to try again?"
"Can I?"
"It's just us and the body, pal."
"OK, this is a little long. Here goes.
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace . . . now that you're dead!"
"Hey, that's pretty. Did you write that?"
"I wrote part of it just now. You know, I really believe that if we just keep up the killing, we can achieve true, total peace. Call me a dreamer."
"Well, then, you're a dreamer. And a crack shot. But for Kucinich's sake, Bill, don't bring about world peace too quickly, or we'll all be out of a job!"
"Don't worry, old friend. I'll kill the last one reeeal slowly, just for you. And for peace."
"For peace."
1) What are you smoking?
2) Can I have some?
Posted by: Casey | Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 04:19 PM
I'm high on life, my friend. I roll up life and smoke it. Sometimes I cook it up from over the counter life medication into a brownish crystal which I sell to teenagers. The first one's free!
Posted by: ¡Jeremy! | Thursday, 31 January 2008 at 06:57 PM