Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Jeff Foxworthy's Phone In Friday

"If you like to fish, you might be a redneck."

"If everyone you know is a redneck, your parents are rednecks, and you've never seen a non-redneck except on TV, you might be a redneck.  It's funny you never figured that out."

"Mrs. Lefkowitz, the preliminary test results indicate that your son might be a redneck.  This is the hardest part of my job."

"You might be a redneck if you submit your own redneck joke at my web site.  You might, in addition, be a redneck if you disregard this disclaimer:

By submitting material, you acknowledge and agree that our receipt and review of your material does not mean that the underlying concept is unique or original, and that we may have previously created or may in the future independently create something that is substantially similar or identical to your idea, with no liability or obligation to you. We shall have no obligation to review, consider or use any material submitted by you. Any review of your material by us does not in any way constitute or infer any obligation to accept your material or compensate you in any way.

No, you listen, Mr. "Bandito."  If you think I'm going to cut you a check for some phoned in redneck joke you emailed me while drunk, you just might be retarded."

"If you broken down jeep trailer the South poor but honest but dumb but pride Confederate flag wacky family good doggy guns beer fish deer beer y'all.  Redneck.  Might be.  Yooooou."

"You Might Be A Redneck if...You've ever purchases underwear and worn it our of the store."  [sic] [actual joke from web site, formatting intact]

"Knock knock.  Who's there?  Redneck.  Hold on now, is that how these go?"

Technorati Tags: Jeff Foxworthy, rednecks, redneck jokes, ripping on Jeff Foxworthy, in itself, is considered phoning it in, did I just blow your mind?

I Turn My Camera On

While driving past a gas station today I saw a guy changing the prices on the sign.  He was on the ground using a very long hook to switch the numbers.  The first thing I thought was, At least I'd enjoy that part of the job.  I mean, almost no one gets to use a hook that long.  It's like I'm Batman.  The second thing I thought was that it's too bad I'm not a camera guy for the local news, because this is the perfect image for a story about how gas prices are fluctuating.  "Gas prices went up today," says the news anchor, as we see those numbers change in real time.  Much better than showing one sign, then fading out, and fading in again on the same sign, but with a different price.  Also better than showing a guy forking over three dollars and whatever for his gallon of gas, and then showing the same guy paying a larger amount the next day.  We can tell it's the next day because he's wearing different clothes, the ones that are in fashion that day.  Or a prominently placed calendar?  That'd work, too.

The camera guys have a really tough time with stories about breast cancer, because it's illegal to show a breast on the news.  You could show a cancer cell, but it's hard to tell that it's specifically a breast cancer cell.  It's hard to visualize.  This is where the graphics guys really step up with their wire frame models of the female torso.  Wire frame models are perfectly legal, and the cancer is depicted as a red splotch or bull's eye on one breast.  They can also do a little blinking light, but in this electronic age, that doesn't "read" as a tumor.  Instead, it looks like someone's breast has messages.  You also can't depict prostate cancer as a wire frame man with a giant blinking crotch, because that "reads" as one very lonely man's erotic tribute to Tron.

Sometimes the camera guys and the graphics guys can't quite pull it off.  Let's say a local community recently instituted an curfew for teenagers.  You can't get footage of a curfew.  The best you can do is a shot of an empty parking lot at night, and the graphics guys can add some shadowy human shaped outlines, with captions like, THIS IS WHERE THE TEENS WOULD BE.  That's where the sound effects guys come in.  There is a sequence of notes which has a universal meaning of teenagers leaving.  It's played at the end of Ghost World, most episodes of Dawson's Creek, and pretty much any scene where someone takes one last look at something.  It's the one that goes, ba ba BA ba BA BA baaa.  "Things will NE-ver BE THE saaame."  Sound guys know it.  It's on a frequency that makes doves cry.  Just put a little of that in the scene, and everyone gets it.  "Say, is that the sound of an empty swing being pushed by the wind?"  "No, I think it's something being shattered -- glass?  Innocence, maybe?"  "Well, whatever it is, Granny just had a seizure, and things will NE-ver BE THE saaame."

Technorati Tags: local news, wistful tones, blinking lights, pricing gas

Give One Pause

The latest bit of Dead Space news, which absolutely sounds like a Peter Molyneux style quip randomly tossed off in a ploy for pre-release hype, is that the upcoming survival horror FPS might not have a pause option.  That is, it currently has one, but Electronic Arts said something about removing it.  Ooo!  Scary!  And ultra-realistic, too.  In real life, when I'm walking around a deserted spaceship and something undead jumps out and starts chewing on your leg, I can't just pause, open the inventory, and inject a hypo-med-stimpack to bring your health back to 100.  That's some video game bullshit.  No, in real life, I bring up the real-time holographic display, scroll, scroll, scroll, press A, whoops, selected the wrong thing, now I'm wearing a hoodie and timbs, scroll back, press A, and voilà!  My health instantly shoots up to 17, buying me just enough time to dispatch Lil' Zombie Chewsalot.  Whew!  Now that I have a spare moment, must remember to reload my laser rifle, in case I'm running low on lasers.

The ability to pause during a fight is stupid, but the lack thereof is equally stupid, with an extra layer of inconvenience.  After all, if I wanted to play that way, I could always just refuse to pause.  As a general rule, I'm fine with game designers who try to create a specific experience by limiting my options as a player.  Low health, limited saves, even real-time inventory systems are all legitimate ways to build tension.  However, the game itself better be damn scary as well, because I don't play a game to experience a frightening interface.  The System Shock 2 interface is a giant pain in the ass at points, but it would still be terrifying in God mode.  Resident Evil 4 is the easiest one in the series, and maybe it's not quite as scary, but it's still disturbing, and gosh darn it, people love that game.  They play it over and over.  No one plays the original Resident Evil ten times in a row.  It's not about the difficulty.  It's about the weird funhouse alchemy that turns being frightened into having fun.  Get that right first, Dead Space, then you may touch my pause button.

Technorati Tags: Dead Space, Peter Molyneux, Resident Evil, System Shock, survival horror, my timberlands, let me show you them, Mr. Zombie

Hello Nation

On February 5th, Super Tuesday, hundreds of D.C., Maryland, and Virginia residents either went to the polls or called election officials about voting that day.  And of course, we don't have our primaries on Super Tuesday.  We vote today.  This happened in some other states as well, for example, Texas.  The typical angle on this story is that these folks were confused by all the hype over Super Tuesday, and maybe they're not very bright.  But that's such an obvious and slightly rude comment.  I prefer to think that those people knew exactly what they were doing.  They wanted to vote as early as possible, just to make the calls stop.

I get like a dozen phone calls a day now.  National and local candidates, a couple Republicans, mostly Democrats, almost all pre-recorded.  If I don't pick up, they call back.  If I pick up and hang up, someone else calls.  Today I got two within ten minutes, just before I started writing this.  They were both for Obama.  One was a live person from his campaign and the other was Michelle Obama making sure I went out to the polls today.  Two calls, ten minutes, same candidate.

Here's a scenario I could understand:  Hillary calls, gets to vote for her.  Barack hears about it (like maybe Hillary called him and bragged about it), calls me up, and changes my mind.  Then it makes sense that Bill would call and try to switch me back, because I've already heard from Hillary, and she's just a little annoyed that I would betray her within ten minutes.  Then Michelle calls because she knows how this political stuff works and that no one can count on my support for more than a couple of minutes.  She's all, "This is Michelle Obama.  Are you out of the car yet?  I'm going to stay on the line until you're actually in the booth.  Now, there are some people outside the building with Clinton signs, so don't get scared, and we're walking, we're walking, you're doing great."

There were some kids outside at my local place selling soda to raise money for something or other.  That was the last thing I saw before heading in, so I ended up voting for Sprite.

Technorati Tags: politics, robo-calls, Clinton, Obama, Sprite, Chutes/Ladders '08, it's time for a slide

Anika's Odyssey

Just a little game, with a little Act Casual review.  But, however, it's an adooooorable little game.  I liked it a lot, and I'd love to see Tricky Sheep do a sequel.  Fun, Flash, and free.  Anika's Odyssey, here.

Technorati Tags: Anika's Odyssey, Tricky Sheep, Kongregate, Gamers With Jobs

Insurance Animals Hate Us

Hi, I'm Cash Money Mallard.  Do you want more money?  Sure, we all do.  You think I enjoy pecking around in the dirt while an elderly woman shakily lobs tiny bread crumbs at me?  I hate every minute of it.  God, she smells like old.  Sometimes I just want to take out one wrinkly knee, grab that loaf and run.  But as bad as things get, I never once considered committing insurance fraud.  Insurance fraud is one crime that affects all of us.  You see, when someone drives their car into a pond and reports it stolen, everyone else's rates go up, so it's like you're stealing from all the honest insurance buyers out there.  Also, did you ever think about all the innocent ducks who used to hang out in that pond?  That was my favorite mating pond, at least before that Kia Sedona landed in it.  Sorry you couldn't make the payments, mister, but I was on a date, and she was way into me.  I hope you know some other way to make adorable ducklings, because now she's not in the mood.

Insurance fraud:  It's totally quackers!  Isn't that right, Cautionary Salamander?

That's right, this is Cautionary Salamander, in the house, deep in the house.  Maybe I'm on the ceiling, or scuttling along the baseboards, you don't know.  Know this: I'm always watching.  I know that your fancy new nightclub is deep in debt, and I know about your plan to burn it down.  Well, go ahead then.  Light that match.  Did you know that salamanders can survive even the hottest fires?  Or is that just a story?  Want to find out?  I'll let you in on a little secret.  We salamanders can also survive the most scorching cross-examination by a defense attorney.  And you know what we really love?  We like flies, sure.  We like sitting on warm rocks, never doubt it.  But what we love more than anything else, is to testify against arsonists, and send them to jail.  Amphibians make very credible witnesses.  Never forget, insurance fraud is a crime, and I never blink.  I may lick my own eye once in a while, but the other one is always watching you, firebug.  Believe me, you will slip up, and then it's curtains.  Cautionary Salamander knows what you did.

Insurance fraud:  You'll burn for it.  Isn't that right, Joy Buzzard?

Hi, I'm Joy Buzzard, with some cheerful news about death.  You can make big money with very little effort, just by taking out a life insurance policy and then dying.  But remember, your death has to be an accident, or else it's insurance fraud.  No matter what your friends tell you, insurance fraud is not cool.  If they tell you that, they're not really your friends.  So be legit about it.  Ask your friends to accompany you on a road trip into the desert.  Get nice and insured beforehand, legally insured, and then drive out there in some piece of overpriced junk like a Kia Sedona.  Before you know it, you'll be wandering around the desert starving to death.  Whoopsie!  Totally plausible accident.  You didn't mean to starve.  In fact, you ate 3 crushed bulbs of garlic and an entire stick of butter before getting in the Kia.  Your friends brought along a marinade of olive oil, lemon juice, honey, allspice, and nutmeg, to keep you hydrated.  Despite all that, you succumbed.  Such a shame.  Such a spicy, Caribbean style shame.

Insurance fraud:  Animals and humans, let's work together to prevent come on come on drop already I'm starving

Technorati Tags: Aflac duck, Geico gecko, State Farm ravenous vulture, insurance, red in tooth and claw

In the Village of the Blue

"Hey there, neighbor!  Looks like you're washing your smurf."

"My house?  Do you mean I'm washing my house?  That's what I'm doing, yes."

"It's a nice smurfy day for it."

"Sunny day?  Yes, it is sunny.  But I'm washing it because some kids tagged it.  Next time you see Papa Smurf, tell him I'm getting sick of having 'Smurfy Smurf' written on my house."

"Oh my Smurf!  That's what they wrote?"

"What?  What's "Smurfy Smurf" mean?  I have no context."

"Oh is that all?  For a second there I thought you said 'Smurfy Smurf.'  Whew!  Listen, don't worry about that.  'Smurfy Smurf' is just an homage to Smurfy Smurf.  You know, Smurfy Smurf, the smurf smurf."

"Again, no context.  Remember when we talked about helping words?  Use your helping words."

"But say, neighbor, why are you using a smurf to clean your smurf?  We live in smurfrooms."

"Hose, using a hose, the second one is house again, and, wait, did you just say smurfroom?  Smurf is the word for mush?  Really?"

"Smurfrooms, right.  You can't clean a smurfroom with water.  You need a smurfroom brush."

"I do not need a mushroom brush, thank you very much.  In many cases,  you can run a mushroom briefly under water and it won't get waterlogged at all.  It is a trade off between a little bit of extra water and completely stripping the mushroom with harsh, abrasive bristles.  You can also use a wet paper towel, and then a dry one."

"So you're saying that a mushroom brush is worthless?"

"No, they have their uses, but it's all about context.  Let the mushroom help you decide, based on how dirty it is, and how hardy or absorbent -- wait, what did you just say?  What?"

"Is a mushroom brush worth--"

"YOU JUST SAID IT!  I HEARD YOU!  You know how to say mushroom!  Say it again!"

"Sm . . . smur . . . smushroom?"

"Close enough!  Say house!"

"House?  Is that your word for smurf?  The smurf you live in?"

"Yes, that's right!  Oh, you don't know how happy you've made me!  All this time, in this tiny village, with everyone saying smurf this and smurf that, and now you're finally coming around!  Please, you have to tell the others.  They can stop saying smurf if they only try."

"Well, all right, I'll smurf, that is, I'll tell them, but you need to meet us smurfway.  When you mean smurf, just say smurf."

"I will, I'll meet you smurfway.  Just go and smurf the others."

"Hee hee hee!  But I know what you meant.  Yes, I'll go and smurf the others.  Wow, you've got a lot to learn."

Technorati Tags: Smurfs, mushrooms, mushroom brushes, context

Smoke Free or Don't, Whatever

The state of Maryland recently instituted a smoking ban in bars and restaurants, although private clubs and businesses which make most of their income from tobacco sales are exempted from the ban.  The D.C. smoking ban has been in effect for a year now.  Governor Tim Kaine of Virginia supports a ban, but it never gets through the state legislature.  Southern Virginia grows tobacco, so that's that.  I for one am outraged that D.C., our nation's capital, and Maryland, our nation's crab hole, have taken away the right of adult Americans to smoke in bars and clubs.  I'm also outraged that Virginia cares more about the cigarette industry than about protecting the health of restaurant workers and non-smokers.  And I find it truly, truly, truly outrageous that my proposal for Shmokeez, the world's smoking-friendliest bar, has been turned down by every single lending institution I could find, including my mom.

Shmokeez:  "It eez vere you may shmoke!"

The front door to Shmokeez has no bouncer, but we guarantee that non-smokers will never, ever enter the joint.  That's because the entrance is protected by a series of deadly, invisible lasers.  You'll need to light a cigarette and blow smoke all around to reveal their location and then quickly dodge around them.  We reset the lasers nightly so you can't just memorize the pattern -- that's cheating!  Also, each morning we hose off the sidewalk, as it tends to become covered in a thick layer of shredded pigeons.

Once inside, feel free to order a drink from our vast selection of overproof beverages.  Every drink has plenty of Everclear, absinthe, or baijiu in it, and if it's not on fire when we serve it to you, it's free.  Leave those matches at home, folks, because every drink's a light.  Our bottled "water" is actually kerosene.  We reserve the right to refuse service to Trotskyists.  If you are going to advocate a state of permanent revolution, we can't keep supplying you with ammo.  We suggest that you advocate a flex-time revolution and come by around 4 a.m. when things get slow.

And remember, at Shmokeez, you don't have to feel guilty about exposing our employees to second hand smoke.  We only hire hard-core smokers, and forbid them from smoking at all during their shift, even during a break.  They're positively desperate for the slightest whiff of second hand smoke.  You may find that your waitress spends a suspiciously long time wiping down a nearby table, inhaling deeply all the while.  Watch closely as your bartender empties out your ashtray, because he might just give it a single, furtive lick.  You can tip them in Camel Cash if you like.

So come on down to Shmokeez, and smoke, and drink, and smoke some more, and have another drink, and engage in mating displays, and drink some more when that doesn't work, and smoke.  Absolutely everything in this club is alcoholic or flammable, or both.  You just might get drunk tonight and burn the nightclub down!  Don't worry, it's all heavily insured and if you could get some serious flames going before I have to make my first loan payment, that would be swell.

Technorati Tags: Maryland, D.C., Virginia, Tim Kaine, smoking ban, Shmokeez, I bet that's the only hit for that word

Unpleasant Male Fragrances

Salty Prospector, Sudden Whiff

Neu Djerzhei

Princess Magic Hymen's Rainbow Flavor Surprise: For Boys!

Axe Re-Load Shower Gel

A Fistful of Dolphins

Old Leathery Crevice

Mannish Tang

Axe Re-Load Shower Gel, for reals, what was the idea there

Technorati Tags: fragrances, Axe Re-Load Shower Gel, naaaasty