Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Professor Betray-ton and the Curious Village of LIES

As the leading puzzle solver in the continental U.S., I wholeheartedly endorse Professor Layton and the Curious Village, the new puzzle/adventure game for the DS.  Sure, it's just a copy of Games magazine cleverly concealed in a whimsical Triplets of Belleville story, but I've played plenty of adventure games where the puzzles don't match the story.  Every Myst game, for example.  In Professor Layton, the villagers come right out and say, "Here's a puzzle I'm working on.  Solve it for me."  Each puzzle I solve for these little bastards gives me access to more, better puzzles, gets me further in the story, and earns Picarats.  (Picarats are points.)  They tell me that if I earn enough Picarats, something good will happen.  Ooh, I hope it's another puzzle!

Professor Layton has more story and humor than you'd expect, pretty much just enough to provide a sense of progression, but not enough to distract from the puzzles.  Did I mention that there are puzzles?  Of course, once I've beaten the game, I doubt I'll play many of the puzzles ever again, especially the ones which are simply riddles.  That's where the DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT comes in.  Every week, I connect to Nintendo Wi-Fi and download a new puzzle, free of charge!  It's very generous of them.  I haven't beaten the game yet, but I've been faithfully downloading puzzles every week.

Except that I haven't.  The puzzles are already on the cart.  I've been downloading a code that unlocks puzzles that I already own.  Which means that unless they start actually producing puzzles, there is a finite (although large) number of puzzles remaining.  Granted, the DLC is free of charge, so no one is screwing me out of money, but I feel like they're screwing me out of time.  Why can't I unlock the puzzles from within the game?  The fun part of downloading new content is not the actual download process.  I don't get off on watching the little progress bar fill up.  "Ooh, it's at 50%!  Look, now it's 90%!  I have more of it now!"

Damn it, Nintendo, can't you do anything right?  Anything Internet related, that is?  The stupid Wii codes, the crippled online mode in Smash Bros. Brawl, and now they've decided to ignore the C in DLC.  Or is that the puzzle, Nintendo?  If I'm clever enough to solve it, will you stop sucking ever so hard?  Do I need to multiply the Wii code by the Brawl code and divide by Professor Layton's hat size?  Then can I have more puzzles?  I just want my Picarats, you lying sons of bitches.  Don't look me in the eye and tell me you're giving them to me.  I have those ones already.  I need new Picarats.  I'll solve any puzzle you want, just let me earn more Picarats!  More!  More!  Something good will happen!

Technorati Tags: Professor Layton, Professor Layton and the Curious Village, DLC, downloadable content, Nintendo, Picarat withdrawal

The Freshness

As a culinary genius, people often approach me on the street and ask, "How can I tell if my celery is still fresh?"  Here's a handy rule of thumb:

Can you tie it in a knot?

Technorati Tags: celery, knots, fresh vegetables, I should check the fridge more often, no gumbo tonight

Audiosurf

Friday's Perspectives article, Audiosurf,  GWJ.  Linkety linkety link.  Audiosurf will be one of those games I can show to people who don't like games.  Wii Sports is another.  For people who like music, or jumping around getting exercise, these types of games are worth a hundred Halos or even Rock Bands.  You need to make the game not just accessible, you need to stop thinking of it as a game.  Only people who like games are willing to even pick up a game.  Let games be small, diverse, and inclusive, and the world will stop blindly hating them.  The world doesn't need a hundred Halos anyway.

Technorati Tags: Audiosurf, Gamers with Jobs, GWJ, links, brevity

The White House Egg Roll

The annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn is as stupid a tradition as the turkey pardoning ceremony, but at least some kids get to run around and have fun.  It doesn't annoy me as much as the turkey thing.  I also like seeing the President hanging out with a giant bunny.  The turkey is being exploited, but the bunny ... well, the guy in the bunny suit is probably being exploited too, but he's not some idiot bird.  Usually he has more career options than a turkey.  It might be nice to stand next to President Bush as he strokes and pets you, all the while thinking, "He has no idea I'm not a real bunny."

My favorite Dorothy Parker quote is when she said Dashiell Hammett was so hard-boiled you could roll him on the White House lawn.  It's funnier if you actually visualize it.  Go on, try it.  Did the cigarette stay in his mouth or did he accidentally swallow it?

The Egg Roll is always the same, except that it gets bigger each year and more lovable non-Easter characters show up.  Clifford, Charlie Brown, and the Cat in the Hat will be there this year, among others.  Also, Troy Aikman.  No kidding.  I believe in the Easter Bunny but I'm pretty sure Troy Aikman is just a story parents tell their kids until they're old enough to figure out that the Cowboys suck.  Speaking of imaginative stories, Fox News really came up with some creative ways to waste space in their article on this year's Egg Roll:

First Lady Laura Bush will be joined by special guest readers including sportscaster and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman, children's book authors Nancy Tafuri and Rosemary Wells, and Kyle Massey, star of the hit television show "Cory in the House."

The tradition of dying Easter eggs bright colors and exchanging them, hiding them and playing other games dates back to the ancient Persians. They have been coloring eggs for their New Year celebration, Nowrooz — which falls on the Spring equinox — for the past 2,500 years.

I'd prefer at least some transition between those two ideas.  "As we all know, Kyle Massey is the star of 'Corey in the House.'  And on a related note, the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz."  By the way, in procuring the picture you see here, I ended up in some sort of weird alternate reality where the shows on the Disney Channel were treated like real shows.  A world where Hannah Montana is President and all the adults just stand around waiting for a kid to talk to them.  The kids go to school, but not class, just the hallway.  They never work but all their cars are this year's model, and they hang out in fancy restaurants where every customer and waiter is an adolescent.  It was scary!  I want to go back to a simpler time, when the adults were in charge, and the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz.

See, Fox News?  That's called a transition.  Try it.

Technorati Tags: Easter, D.C., White House Egg Roll, Dorothy Parker, Dashiell Hammett, Kyle Massey, Nowrooz

Lunch Notes (Phone In Friday)

On the day you were born the nurses all gathered round and they said, this is the pinnacle of perfection.  And so they retired.

Is that a blazing stack of radial tires?  No, it is the light of your warm smile.

A local restaurant named a sandwich after you, then revoked the name because the sandwich didn't taste good enough to deserve it.

You own the Beltway.

Who put the lemon in the fish tank?  Not you.  You know better than to fool with pH.

You have inspired billions of walking stick insects to stand up and say, "We are not sticks.  That was a ruse.  We are bugs."

You found a penny.

It takes a lot of guts to admit to your limitations.  It's a good sign that those limitations are temporary.

You have perfect pitch.

You taught Micronesia to laugh again with your hilarious character, "Mike Roneesia."

You value-add.

Once there was this dog, and it was a bad dog, and you hit it with your shoe and it went away.  And it was a hyena.

Technorati Tags: Friday, Phone In Friday, some sports guy named, Matthew Berry, also does phone in fridays, but he uses a hyphen

MC Stick Sells Out

Honey up!  Honey Honey Bunches of Twigs!

The splinters are small but the taste is big!

All the grownups yell and flip their lids

Cause the honey honey taste is just for kids!

 

Yo, it's just for kids -- No, you can't have this

Though you might get pissed, oh we must insist

Roll away from the bowl if you want to live

Cause every other twig is a makeshift shiv

 

Step back, or a stick's going twixt your ribs

We're the Honey Honey Kids -- And the kids got dibs!

 

[Several boring screens filled with nutritional info]

 

All right parents, are the kids all gone?

MC Stick wants to thank you for playing along

You know my Honey Honey Twigs wouldn't hurt a fly

And your kids won't gank you and you won't die

 

I'm speaking slow cause I know that you care a lot

My twigs are nutritious and your precious tot

Just needs a li'l bit of silliness to take a bite

But act frightened, aiight?  You gotta play this right

 

Are they back?  Look, grownups, read my lips!

We're the Honey Honey Kids -- and the kids got dibs!

  

[Several minutes of cartoon bees dancing causes parents to leave]

 

OK kids, no kidding, I ain't playing around

Next morning, no warning, shit is gonna go down

Once the wallet's in your pocket they will call the cops

Grab the money, buy the honey, keep runnin', don't stop

 

Honey up!  Stay tuned for some honey sweet tips

We're the Honey Honey Kids -- and the kids got dibs!

 

[Diagrams of safe routes from the breakfast table, to the supermarket cereal aisle, to the hideout.  Faintly, in the background:]

 

MC Stick is a sellout whore

He's the real arms dealer in the cereal wars

He doesn't even know who he is anymore

I think I need some time alone

Stop the tape

I need to rap with myself about some things

 

(Copyright 1993, MC Stick and Lumber Town Records.  Shortly after recording this commercial, MC Stick went on a journey of self-discovery, and largely renounced his sellout lifestyle, unless he  wanted to buy something really, really nice.  He was called as a witness in the trial of the Honey Honey Kid Gang, but refused to testify, saying, "If Your Honor doesn't understand the meaning of dibs, then Your Honor is wiggedy, and this whole court is wack.")

Technorati Tags: MC Stick, Honey Honey Bunches of Twigs, sellouts

Questionaut, Machinarium, Neologisms

Check out Questionaut, as reviewed here, for an easy educational quiz and a nice bite-sized bit of the old Amanita Design magic.  I've loved their stuff since Samorost, and now they're working on a full length adventure game called Machinarium.  Questionaut screen shown here, Machinarium below.  Lovely.  I can't wait.

Amanita's Jakub Dvorský discusses Machinarium a bit in this IndieGames interview.  In it he says he's "tired" of 3D realistic games, and has no plans to make a 3D adventure game.  Since his games appear to be designed with an eye towards art, then puzzles, then story, without any focus on "action," his attitude makes sense.  Adventure games don't do well with 3D realism.  At first glance, I thought that Machinarium picture was concept art, but in fact it's an actual screenshot.  The game will look just like that, like a hand-crafted work of art.  For that matter, it'll look like all the other Amanita games, because they've really nailed down a distinctive style.

Compare that to 3D worlds, which can look imaginative or naturalistic but almost never appear hand-crafted.  Most 3D games don't look like sculpture or art installations.  That would be pointless -- they would just be sub-par sculpture.  Real-life textures are always slightly better.  But a 2D game can look like and essentially be a drawing or painting, well-framed and full of subtle details.  Dvorský, animator Vaclav Blin, and the rest of Amanita Design manage to pull it off with every game they create, and as long as they're still crafting games, the 2D adventure will never die.  Also, painting and sculpture will probably limp along, too, for what it's worth.

Technorati Tags: Questionaut, Machinarium, Amanita Design, Jakub Dvorsky, Vaclav Blin, art, games, games as art, art as games

No More Heroes

So I didn't link to the No More Heroes article yet?  Better do that before it gets stale.  I'll post something else about it here, later this week.  It'll be a little less reviewy and a little more thinky, without neglecting the slashy slashy otaku sexy.  (If you say that fast, over and over, it sounds like the world's worst techno song.)

Technorati Tags: No More Heroes, Gamers with Jobs, GWJ

AFK

People ask me if I'm on hiatus and I say, "I don't even know what that word means.  It sounds like a kind of tree."

Grow Cube

Everyone knows the Grow series of Flash games, right?  Grow Cube is a particularly cute one, very lively.  Check it out if you haven't already.  One thought I didn't mention in the Act Casual piece is that it's an odd idea to create a little "growing garden" in a Flash game, as you can't save your progress and it all disappears, unless you leave that browser window open for your entire life.  (I don't recommend that.)  Well, real gardens don't last, either.  Every spring I go out and buy a bunch of stuff for my small garden.  I can't believe I have to go to the store to purchase dirt.  Supposedly it's better dirt.  It comes in a bag.  I can't use the dirt in the yard for my garden, oh no.  Have you seen that stuff?  It's filthy!   Screw you, dirt industry.  I'm on to your game.

 

Technorati Tags: Grow Cube, Eyezmaze, Gamers with Jobs, GWJ, dirt