Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Tracking Device

Never fear, Commissioner, I've placed a small tracking device on the underside of his car.  Ha ha!  He's not going anywhere.

What's that?  What if he decides to walk?  I've prepared for that, too.  You see, I've placed a small tracking device on the underside of his right shoe.  It'll track his every last motion as long as he's wearing shoes.  And what if he goes bowling or decides to hop everywhere on his right foot?  Well, I doubt he'd do that, as he is left footed, and finds bowling tiresome.

But just to be sure, I've placed a small tracking device on the underside of his parasol.  It's sunny out.  He'd be crazy to go out without a parasol.  Also, it's sort of his thing.

And of course, if a plane crashes into his building, somehow keeps going, and manages to snag his suspenders on its landing gear, thus whisking him away to parts unknown, he'll probably have enough time to grab his right shoe, but if not, I've taken precautions.  I spend most of my day phoning the local airport and asking them if they've had any planes go suddenly off course.  Then I call them back a few minutes later and ask, "How about now?  How about now?"

By the way, Commissioner, some of the air traffic controllers seem to have the wrong idea.

If all else fails, I have one last resort.  I've spent the last year getting very close to our felonious friend, under false pretenses.  In fact, we're dating.  I started out very "chill" and "down with whatever," but over time I became very clingy and now he can't go anywhere without telling me where he's going and who he's seeing.  I repeatedly send him text messages asking him when he'll be home.  He spends a full three hours each day reassuring me that nothing's going on, and another three running about on various errands.  For example, I'll ask him to get me some chips, and then I will text him with something like, "Taking long time with chips.  Seeing someone else?  Not mad, just want to know.  Love you."  That sort of thing.

Don't worry, he won't make a move.  And if he does make a move, I'll know.  And I'll crush his tender heart when he comes home afterwards.  He'll be sorry to see me go.  I'm the best thing that ever happened to that big lunk.

Technorati Tags: Batman, Penguin, tracking devices

My Friend Hayley

My friend Hayley is giving up coffee.  I have some advice for her from when I gave up crystal meth: Go through your house and throw away all your extra coffee beans, Hayley, because if the cops find them, they won't believe that you don't do coffee anymore, and then it's jail time for my friend Hayley.

My friend Hayley once dreamt that she was eating a giant marshmallow, which is weird, because if you know Hayley, you know she's not all that into sweets, but the point is, when she woke up, her pillow, the one embroidered with the words MY FRIEND HAYLEY, was missing.

My friend Hayley was in a movie once - I should mention here that my friend Hayley is not Hayley Mills, but I can see how you might jump to that conclusion - and when the director yelled, "Action!" she thought he said, "Acting!" so she started acting, but fortunately, that's kind of what he meant, so nobody noticed, and my friend Hayley ended up winning an Academy Award, and on the award it said her name, Hayley.

Create your own My Friend Hayley jokes!  Just start trying to tell a joke and let Hayley take over.  It's easy and by the third one it starts to really piss people off.  People like ... my friend Hayley?

Technorati Tags: my friend Hayley ruins everything

sadnaP everseR

I hope everyone's been enjoying my coverage from the 2008 Beijing Olympics, in Peking!  I've met so many new friends and had so many exciting adventures.  I've been emailing my special reports all week to Rick, who was supposed to post them, but he probably didn't, so that's all on you, Rick.  With my dying breath I curse you, 'kay?

Oh, didn't I mention?  I'm dying.  This, too, is Rick's fault, as when I was getting ready for the trip, I asked him to research things that could kill me in China.  He went on the computer for a while and came back with "homeopathy" and "wind resistance."  But I haven't encountered either of those things.  Instead, the REVERSE PANDAS stalked and killed my group, one by one, until only I survive to tell the - what was that?

False alarm.  Just China settling, I guess.

REVERSE PANDAS are the exact opposite of the typical cute, non-murderous panda.  Where a panda has black patches, they have white ones, and vice versa.  They're fast, and lean, and they only eat anti-bamboo, a.ka., Americans.  Our first night in the hotel, a reverse panda slipped into my room through the air shafts and made off with my roommate.  I've never seen anyone's head come off so quickly.  It was like a champagne cork.  And the grisliest part was that I swear the panda howled something like, "Happy new year!" in a Scooby-Doo doggy voice, before scuttling away.

So that's when I started to become concerned.

One guy was in the hall, getting ice, and felt a fuzzy paw among the cubes.  A muffled scream, and he was gone.  Another guy forgot to check his shoes before putting them on and discovered a whole nest of reverse pandas, who instantly devoured most of his leg.  Then while he was hopping around a larger, even more reversed panda ate his whole torso in one bite.  So now he has one leg and no torso, and I doubt he'll last another week.

Oh, and one guy went in to use the bathroom and discovered that a reverse panda had torn up all the toilet paper, just shredded it all over the floor.  It was a huge mess and he had to clean it up personally because he didn't want Room Service to think he was some kind of freak.

While he was cleaning, a reverse panda snuck up behind him and bit his ass off!

So now I'm holed up in my room with a huge, gaping wound.  It's painful as heck.  I can't identify half the organs I can see through this wound, but they look pretty important and very damaged.  I'm typing this in my own blood, on a keyboard made from my own tears.  If I can make it to sunrise, when the reverse pandas get sleepy, I might be able to tiptoe past them and get into a taxi.  I say "tiptoe" but I no longer have feet.  That's a whole other thing, I can't blame that on the pandas.  Rick, you were right about the homeopathy.

My story?  Well, for my last night in town I wanted to do something special.  I'd met this really nice reverse panda and although of course there was a language barrier, we really seemed to have something and we'd been spending a lot of time together.  I asked the panda where we could go that wasn't too touristy and she suggested this place that served Tan Jia cuisine, or something ... it was good, but the point is that after the meal she got frisky, I got mauled, and it devolved into a big cultural misunderstanding where everyone's feelings got hurt.  I guess swiping open someone's abdomen is like their version of third base.

Anyway, I've had a really horrifying time, and it'll be good to go home or slowly expire, whatever.  Either way, I guess I have a couple more breaths left in me, so I'll just curse Rick with each one.  Curse you, Rick.  I'm still cursing you.  Hey, 'sup, still cursing you.  Hey Rick, knock, knock.  Curse.  Curse yoooooouuuuu

Technorati Tags: pandas, reverse pandas, beijing olympics, Rick, my new best friend, who kind of sucks

Slight-Changers

The Slight-Changers - Barely more than meets the eye!

The Slight-Changers - Robots Thinly Veiled!

Superboat Alpha:  I've just received a report that the DupliciTrucks are planning an attack down by the Tidal Basin.  Someone needs to go down there for a reconnaissance mission.  Someone who can see, but not be seen.  But who?

Rocketsaurus:  I'll do it!  Slight-changers are mostly GO!

Superboat Alpha:  Whoa, hold up there.  You can't go into downtown DC like that.

Rocketsaurus:  Like what?

Superboat Alpha:  Like a giant walking V-2 rocket.  It'll scare the hell out of everyone.  These are troubled times, Rocketsaurus.

Rocketsaurus:  Good thinking!  I'll slight-change into my disguise form.

Superboat Alpha:  Well, that's the same problem, seeing as your disguise form is a giant dinosaur.  It's a dead giveaway.

Rocketsaurus:  What if I just hang out by the Smithsonian all day?  Try to blend in?

Superboat Alpha:  I like that you're thinking, I really do, but that would only work if you looked like a model of a dinosaur, not a weird robot dinosaur made out of big chunks of a V-2 rocket.

Rocketsaurus:  I have some poster paint and paper maché.

Superboat Alpha:  What would that make you?

Rocketsaurus:  One of those big headed protest guys?  Like in a parade?

Superboat Alpha:  Made from V-2 rocket?

Rocketsaurus:  He's protesting World War II, like, really late.

Superboat Alpha:  I'm going to veto this idea for several reasons.

Rocketsaurus:  Well, sir, it sound like it's time for Plan Tarp.

Superboat Alpha:  No.  Next idea.

Rocketsaurus:  Plan Tarp is where I cover myself with -

Superboat:  I know that, Rocketsaurus, and I also know that it is stupid.  Let's just skip the whole subset of ideas which involve items you stole from some human's shed.  And also, stop doing that.

Rocketsaurus:  Just to be clear, then, you've ruled out Project Jungle Gym as well as Operation Garbage Bag Full of Leaves.

Superboat Alpha:  Come to think of it, I doubt very much that you'll find any way to spend five minutes in DC without immediately attracting the National Guard.  But perhaps we don't need to foil the DupliciTrucks this time.  The National Guard can handle it for us.

Rocketsaurus:  But how will anyone see through their clever disguises?

Superboat Alpha:  I just have a feeling that although they look like ordinary trucks, something about a dozen of them floating in the Tidal Basin should attract just a little too much attention.  Also, even in disguise mode, they can't help giggling to themselves.  It's their "tell."

Rocketsaurus:  So once again, robot ingenuity saves the day!  And with the bare minimum of effort!

Superboat Alpha: That's the Slight-Changers way.  I guess.  Whatever.

Technorati Tags: transformers, V-2 rockets, oh. my. God, it's a mirage, I'm telling y'all it's CAMOUFLAGE

Who to Pray For

Or, "For Whom to Pray?"  Not sure!  Anyway, let's learn forthwith whom to prayeth for!

• People in Hell?  No!  What do you think will happen?  They're in hell; it's sucky and hot.  They're not getting out and they don't get any five to seven minute torment breaks.  Even in the non-torturous, ritzier "Hell is the absence of God" neighborhoods, the prayers of the living don't do any good.  It's not as if you can ask God to just show up for a minute or two, do a quick meet and greet, then leave.  First of all, you're not God's campaign manager, and second, the whole "absence of God" thing doesn't work if God keeps coming in to say hi.
• People in Heaven?  No.  Waste of time.  They're in heaven; everything's jake.  Heaven can't get even slightly nicer.  And don't try to wish that heaven gets annoying, then suddenly perfect again so that the heaven people learn to appreciate it more.  Heaven is not the place for that kind of heavy-handed moral lesson.  It's a magical realm where only good people go.
• People in Purgatory?  Yes!  I just learned this from a TV show.  Really, I had no idea, but it makes total sense.  Praying for people in purgatory helps them get through purgatory faster.  I think it's because if people on Earth are praying for them, they must not have been so bad after all.  Purgatory is just for little things, like say coveting your neighbor's hat, and after you die, your neighbor might say, "You know, it is a really nice hat.  If I hadn't worn it with so much pride - which is a sin - and maybe Rick wouldn't be in so much purgatory right now.  Prayers to you, Rick!"  And then Rick gets closer to the goal.  Win-win.
• Other People on Earth?  I say, yes.  Come on, whether it works or not, it's nice. 
• Yourself?  Uh, selfish much?  They didn't address this on the show, but I assume that you should maybe not pray for yourself too often.  Pray for strength to overcome temptation or whatever, but don't pray for, say, someone else's hat.  If you really deserve the hat, maybe someone else will pray it over to you, but as I understand it, if you're praying that your neighbor gets hit by a gust of wind while you're walking behind her ready to catch her hat on your head and run, well, nice try, Rick.  Have fun in puuur-ga-toooory!
• Inanimate Objects?  No, that's crazy talk.  I'd rather believe that every inanimate object is constantly praying for me.

Technorati Tags: prayer, hell, heaven, purgatory, this show was really good, I learned four new ideas in a half hour

DVD Professor

Do you want to learn computers for a new job?  Do you need to learn computers so's you can keep your current job?  What if computers came in that door - that one there, that's right, look at it! - and you had to learn them?  What would you do?  Better get to learning, with DVD Professor!

DVD Professor is a revolutionary new way for people like YOU to learn Windows, Apple, eBay, Web, Photoshop, Internet, Mouse, Quicken, Funny Videos, Vista, Second Life, iPhone, and more!  Our self-paced computer learning tutorials let YOU learn computers at YOUR pace, using time-proven techniques like talking slowly and being old.  Sign up today and we'll send you three DVDs - a three DVD value - full of valuable tips and techniques.  You know what a DVD is, right?

Oh, you don't?  No problem!  A DVD is like ... it's sort of a ... picture a big pancake ... never mind, it sounds like you need VHS Professor, the all-VHS learning system chock full of professors and knowledge!  It fits in any VCR and explains all about DVD, menus, buttons, and what button to press on the remote.  No, the other remote.  No, you just changed the input.  Change it back.  Not with that remote.  With the other one.  Just put that one down.

No, it doesn't need batteries.  What it needs is to be the correct remote, okay?  All you're doing here is locking and unlocking your car, over and over again, and it's driving VHS Professor crazy.  VHS Professor can only take so much!

Sounds like you need Irrational Fear Professor.  Why spend time and money learning computers when you can develop an irrational fear of them for the low price of $189.95?  Learn all about how connecting to the Internet leads to your identity being stolen by hardcore pornography and pop-up spywares!  Did you know that every time you go on the web, your computer secretly contacts DNS servers and downloads IP addresses into your home?  And that some of these IP addresses are controlled by foreigners?  In fact, one of them (208.113.210.40) is controlled by Foreigner.

Hurry and protect yourself, for only $189.95!  Remember, if you die in the Internet, you die in real life.  Just like in The Matrix.

Really?  Never?

Well, then, the Internet is like a daguerrotype ... of evil.  Get it now?

$189.95, Grampy. 

We don't accept Confederate bills.

Technorati Tags: Video Professor, DVD, VHS, Foreigner, "I've Been Waiting", beat, "For A Girl Like You"