Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Obvious Fake

TruthWillOut89, this comment is directed directly at YOU and your obvious LIES.  How can you send me this and not see what is in front of your own face?  You are once again blinded by the mainstream media into swallowing a bunch of sugar coated lies like some kind of sheep being led to the boiling frog pot.  Do you know what happens if you put a frog in boiling water?  Guess what, you put the frog in water and then you heat it up slowly and the frog doesn’t notice until it’s boiling, and then he jumps out, but it’s too late because the pot of water is right next to a cliff and he DIES.  It’s a metaphor look it up.  Frog.

YOUR PHOTO IS FAKE.

Where is the cord?  Ask yourself that.  How could he be playing music without power?  The nearest, logical source of power is the car’s battery, so there should be a clearly visible cord connecting the car and the boom box.  Like so.  I have also added “power vibes” so you can see that the boom box is emanating electricity, and musical notes to indicate the presence of Peter Gabriel (who is there in spirit).

Also, I guess you wouldn’t know this because you’re too busy putting together photographic fakery, but boom boxes are heavy.  And Lloyd Dobler is not physically capable of holding up something loaded with over 83 pounds (that’s right, 83 lb.s look it up) of soulful romance, because he spent most of his athletic career developing his LEGS.  He has leg strength, not hand strength.  You fool, you put him in upside down.

I guess you weren’t paying attention when he said he was a kickboxer, were you?  No big deal, it’s only just the most important part of anything, idiot.  I’m being sarcastic.  And speaking of sarcastic, that’s some really good attention to detail with Lloyd’s choice of apparel.  You really got that correct.  (No you didn’t.)  For your information, Lloyd Dobler is a romantic at heart, so he wouldn’t just throw on any old clothes and play “In Your Eyes” in someone’s yard, he would dress for success.  He would anoint himself in the finest of oils, slowly rubbing them into every tired muscle in his lithe, romantic body, and then he would stand outside completely naked, wooing as hard as he can woo, ready to instantaneously get it on with the object of his wooing, even if she’s not right for him and he could do better.  Oiled, naked, ready.  Romantic.

Nice try, TruthWillOut89, but the truth will out itself without any help from your Photoshop fakery.  It’s sad, really, that you have to perpetrate these obvious hoaxes, tossing and turning on your bed of lies, when you could just go to the window and face the music of truth, which is right there on your lawn, in your eyes.  The light, the heat.  It’s a metaphor look it up.

Technorati Tags: john cusack,say anything,lloyd dobler,hoaxes,MS Paint

Remember to Vote or Something

Remember to vote, kids.  Voting is important.  I know you hear that a lot, but it’s especially true right now, with an election coming up.  All those other times I lectured you on how voting is important, when I would wake you up in the middle of the night, or those surprise voting “jam sessions” when I would get out the acoustic guitar and serenade you, and you were like, “who are you?” and shots were fired, and I realized I was at the wrong window, remember that?  No, you wouldn’t, but I do, and voting is even more important now than it was then, and it was pretty important, believe me.  Like, pay a pet groomer to yank a slug out of your arm important.  So remember to vote.

Let me tell you a little story.  Once there was a little boy who thought his vote didn’t matter.  “Blar, blar, I’m not gonna vote today,” he said, stupidly, because he was dumb, and then he – I don’t mean to freak you out but this is a true story – he didn’t vote.  It was a Presidential election and everything, and he just stayed home and took a long bath.  Well, when he got to work the next day, everyone was like, “Oh no!  The election is all messed up!  Up is down and right is left and elegiac couplets start with pentameter now, it’s CRAZY TOWN FOLLIEZ.” 

The boy soon realized the error of his ways and fortunately, he was given another chance to vote and make it all right, because that boy, you see, was Antonin Scalia.  Although now that I think about it, this is more of a cautionary tale about something else entirely.  This is really a story about a guy who should’ve stayed in the tub a lot longer.  It wouldn’t’ve done any harm.  He’s thick and leathery, like an old, lying rhino.

I just want everyone to vote, because I’m sick of hearing about how few people vote for President and too many vote for American Idol.  It’s such an unfair comparison.  American Idol needs voters, too.  Every other show is a results show – do you know how boring those would be if nobody voted?  “We were going to eliminate one of you, but I guess America hasn’t spoken, and that means you’re all winners, or losers, whatever.  So, uh, who wants to see another Ford commercial?” 

So go out and vote, participate in democracy, etc., etc.  The most important thing to remember is that voting is important, and the second most important thing is that you might get dehydrated while waiting in line, so bring a water bottle.  And the third thing is that after you vote, if you get a sticker, you can put it anywhere on your body.  Within reason.  I repeat, within reason.  You have to be able to reach it.  There are other important things but I’ve done a very good job of staying on topic so far and I don’t want to jinx it.  Wow, I am like the best patriot essay guy since John Jay.

Technorati Tags: voting,essays,blar blar

Liveblogging the Internal Debate

5:31 AM – I’m so excited about tonight’s debate!  I’m winning this one for sure!

5:32 – Wow, it is super early.  It’s just me and the little birds.  I wonder if they’re having bird debates?

6:55 – After listening to all of your arguments, which were melodic but quite repetitive, I might add, I believe that the red bird over there is more qualified to be on that branch.  Congratulations, red birdie, you win.  Tee hee!

7:28 – Welp, better get preparing for my own debate.  Step one: drink lots of water and keep the ol’ vocal cords hydrated.  A master debating trick.

8:34 – Oh no, now I have to pee.  Nobody told me this would happen!

9:00 – I think I made the right decision holding it in.  I can’t afford to pee right now, the stakes are too high.  Say, I should use this as a real life example of an important leadership decision, because you know they’re totally going to ask me about decisions and stuff.

9:01 – It’s cool, it’s cool, I just won’t include this part when I’m telling the pee story.

9:22 – Time to practice my debating faces.  Let’s see, there’s “quiet confidence,” there’s “listening hard,” then you got your “my opponent is wrong, so very wrong,” and here’s “guess what I love?  AMERICA!” and here’s my “that’s a big number,” and “I’m not lying, or I don’t know I’m lying, or who cares, my opponent sucks, vote for me.”  Whew, I think that’s all of them.

10:00 – Say, who is my opponent anyway?  I forgot to ask.  I know, I’ll check the web.

11:37 – Oh, that is a funny video.  I wish my cat would do that.  Uh, what was I going to look up again?  My opponent?  Whatever, I’ll just wing it.

11:38 – What if, instead of debating my opponent, I debate the moderator?  No one would see it coming!  They’ll be like, “Do you have a rebuttal?” and I’ll be like, “Fuck you!”

11:51 – I should have some quotes, too, in case I run out of my own words.  What does Google have for “the best quote?”  I want the best quote.

11:52 – Ugh, too many quotes, and they’re all too long.  I should Google for something else, instead. 

12:40 – Who needs quotes, anyway?  I’ll make them up as I go along.  Like, “As Winston Churchill once said, ‘Eat my shorts.’  Do we want to elect someone who Winston Churchill burned like that?  Not bloody likely.”

1:30 – A healthy lunch!  Very important.

3:30 – Now, I already have the pee story from earlier, but should I tell the poop story?  It definitely highlights my ability to cope with lunch, that’s true.  “I’m ready to lead on day one.  I’ve already pooped.”

4:20 – Oh hey, what do you know, it’s the time of day when people who smoke marijuana like to start smoking marijuana.  What an interesting coincid-no not today I’m better than that keep it together keep it together

5:20 – Pssh, whatever.  I don’t want to go into this thing all tense anyway.

5:21 – They can tell!  They can totally tell!

6:17 – Perfect.  Drunk and high, they cancel each other out.  I am a GENIUS.  Let’s do this thing.

[Every single minute of the debate]

Don’t say ****, don’t say ####, don’t call anyone a @@@@, don’t show your &&&&

[One minute after the debate]

**** yeah, I ####ed that @@@@!  Yaaaaay!  Who wants to see my &&&&?

Technorati Tags: debates,liveblogs,internals

Bag of Spiders

It’s been almost a year, and my last dumb attempt to singlehandedly transform the English language has been proven a dismal failure.  I tried to get people to use the phrase “fighting like hats and dogs,” and to date, I’ve only heard four people say it.  Both were attempting to put a hat on a dog, and although that’s a natural place to bust out the phrase “fighting like hats and dogs,” I was really going for something more widespread.  Oh well, I tried.  I fought that battle like canines and chapeaux.

This year’s selection is: “All that and a bag of spiders.”

It indicates that someone has an unrealistically creepy self-image.  For example, “Look at this Facebook.  Someone sure thinks she’s all that and a bag of spiders.” 

Or, “I can’t believe you wanted to hold this séance in a graveyard.  Look at you there, Baron von All That and a Bag of Spiders.” 

Or, “I’m having a bowl of muesli for breakfast.  What are you having?  Spiders?  A whole bag of them?  Well, I guess you think you’re all that.”  [In this usage, “and a bag of spiders” is implied.]

So go forth, try it at least once in this coming year.  It’s the perfect takedown for someone who continually tries to rub your face in their spiders.  I mean, I’m all for spiders, of course, but don’t make a thing out of it, people.  Don’t be all, “I like spiders more than you do,” because unless you’re some kind of arachnologist, you’re nothing special.  We all like spiders, OK?  We all love to hold them, and kiss them, and spend most of our waking hours writing poems for them.  So climb down off your high spider and stop acting like you’re “all that and a bag of spiders,” because you’re SO NOT.  For real asdpi344rhtdc

Whoops, what was that?  Oh, just my spider, on the keyboard.  Yeah, that’s right, I let my spider crawl out onto the keyboard.  Oh well, better put him back in the bag, with my many, many other spiders.  And yes, I am all that, too.

Technorati Tags: spiders, bags, adages