Remember to vote, kids. Voting is important. I know you hear that a lot, but it’s especially true right now, with an election coming up. All those other times I lectured you on how voting is important, when I would wake you up in the middle of the night, or those surprise voting “jam sessions” when I would get out the acoustic guitar and serenade you, and you were like, “who are you?” and shots were fired, and I realized I was at the wrong window, remember that? No, you wouldn’t, but I do, and voting is even more important now than it was then, and it was pretty important, believe me. Like, pay a pet groomer to yank a slug out of your arm important. So remember to vote.
Let me tell you a little story. Once there was a little boy who thought his vote didn’t matter. “Blar, blar, I’m not gonna vote today,” he said, stupidly, because he was dumb, and then he – I don’t mean to freak you out but this is a true story – he didn’t vote. It was a Presidential election and everything, and he just stayed home and took a long bath. Well, when he got to work the next day, everyone was like, “Oh no! The election is all messed up! Up is down and right is left and elegiac couplets start with pentameter now, it’s CRAZY TOWN FOLLIEZ.”
The boy soon realized the error of his ways and fortunately, he was given another chance to vote and make it all right, because that boy, you see, was Antonin Scalia. Although now that I think about it, this is more of a cautionary tale about something else entirely. This is really a story about a guy who should’ve stayed in the tub a lot longer. It wouldn’t’ve done any harm. He’s thick and leathery, like an old, lying rhino.
I just want everyone to vote, because I’m sick of hearing about how few people vote for President and too many vote for American Idol. It’s such an unfair comparison. American Idol needs voters, too. Every other show is a results show – do you know how boring those would be if nobody voted? “We were going to eliminate one of you, but I guess America hasn’t spoken, and that means you’re all winners, or losers, whatever. So, uh, who wants to see another Ford commercial?”
So go out and vote, participate in democracy, etc., etc. The most important thing to remember is that voting is important, and the second most important thing is that you might get dehydrated while waiting in line, so bring a water bottle. And the third thing is that after you vote, if you get a sticker, you can put it anywhere on your body. Within reason. I repeat, within reason. You have to be able to reach it. There are other important things but I’ve done a very good job of staying on topic so far and I don’t want to jinx it. Wow, I am like the best patriot essay guy since John Jay.
Comments