This morning’s edition of Morning Edition had a story about the Republican governors’ convention in Miami. First of all, wheeee! That sounds like a lot of fun, hanging out with a bunch of Republican governors. Imagine being in a room of Libertarian attorneys general. It’s better than that! These people have no reason to hold back now. It’s like: daiquiri, cry a little, daiquiri, bitter accusations, double daiquiri, Governor Tim Pawlenty (of Minnesota) takes his shirt off. And he makes that face right there, but without a microphone.
Speaking of Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota, he just dropped some major word knowledge by describing the new target demographic as “Sam’s Club voters.” This is the first time I’ve heard that one. Is it the new big thing? I’m not a member of Sam’s Club – yet! – do they talk a lot about how they’re going to vote? I’m with Costco. We pretty much just buy huge tubs of mayo. (Please don’t consider that an endorsement of mayonnaise. I think mustard also has a lot of good ideas.)
I’m glad there’s a new super-thin slice of the demographic hoagie, because I was getting very annoyed with hockey moms, for various reasons. Did you know they don’t play hockey? No, their kids play hockey. Common misconception. They don’t even watch the kids, they’re up in the stands secretly texting, and they just stand up to cheer with everyone else. What are they texting about? They’re asking their friends if they want to meet up at Sam’s Club later, to buy 40 pounds of, I don’t know, hockey sauce. Technically, they’re Sam’s Club voters, not hockey moms. So now everyone please stop saying “hockey mom” forever, ok, thanks.
Really, Sam’s Club voters are too diverse for anyone to predict their voting patterns. Republicans should focus their efforts on an even smaller subset: Front of Cart voters, as seen here. They sit in the front of the cart and try to play with everything in the cart, but are notoriously stingy when it comes to actually purchasing the items. Their voting patterns are similar. You take them to the polls, but once in the booth, they’re like, “I just want the sticker.”
“No, you have to choose a candidate first.”
“Sticker!”
“Sticker isn’t running. Do you mean Nader? I’ll put you down for Nader.”
“Waah! You threw my vote away!”
Republicans, if you want to lure Front of Cart voters away from the insanely popular Sticker party, you need to offer something better. Once in power, will you let them play with your keys? The remote control? Are you willing to say that in certain circumstances, if the world situation demands it, you will let them eat a bug? This is what they’re looking for. Or you could make up a scary story about your opponent, call him an evil baby-eating monster or something. That ought to work again someday. Good luck!
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