As the world’s leading architect and designer of buildings and houses and stuff, I’m often asked, “What’s wrong with architecture? How can it be restored to its former glory, like in Renaissance times?” I have one simple answer: get rid of hallways. Toss hallways into the rubbish bin of history, where they belong, and then wait until the bulk pickup day of history when they will empty the bin.
Think about it. Who likes hallways? No one. I say this as an architect and an expert.
When was the last time you were in a hallway and thought, “This house would truly suck, if it weren’t for this wonderful hallway tying the whole piece together?” Let me guess, was it never? No one has ever thought that.
Hallways waste space. I can tell you that everyone who designs an office building has a moment where they wish that they could just skip the hallway design process. There’s no art to it, no beauty. I’d rather design a very unsafe building covered in unpleasant materials than one with a lot of lame hallways laming up the space between offices.
How would I design a house without hallways? Simple. I would make the rooms larger. Each room would open onto another room, without some half-assed, long, skinny, pretend room trying to insinuate itself between them.
Do you need to use the bathroom? Go through Wayne’s room, Tina’s room, make a left in G. K. Chesterton’s room (no, not that G. K. Chesterton), and you’re right there! Do your business, and either head back the way you came, or continue going through rooms until you find the one where we keep the towels.
Yes, we have an entire room for hand towels, because getting rid of hallways frees up so much space. Yes, it is a wondrous and beautiful new world.
In conclusion, hallways are an abomination and must be destroyed, etc, etc., and I am just the man to take them out for good. Not just because I’m the most important architect since Frank Picasso, but because I know all the hallways’ weaknesses, since I sleep in a different one each night.
Oh, and campfires by train tracks could really use some better lighting.
Comments