I’m not attending the inauguration. I’ll be watching it on TV. Why is that, asks the rest of the country? Isn’t it very easy for you to go downtown and see President-elect Obama become Full-on-Finally-President-for-Real Obama, in person? Well, since you asked, no it isn’t, rest of the country. And it’s all your fault.
The city expects massive Metro delays, as well as major traffic jams from bridge and road closures, all because a bunch of people who do not live here have decided to come and block our view of this historic event. I’m just a little annoyed that someone from South Dakota is standing in my spot. I don’t care if you voted for him. Everyone knows that D.C.’s votes are the ones that put him over the top. We had dibs.
How would you like it if you went next door to welcome your new neighbor, and you couldn’t get in to see him because thousands of yokels from the state of Washington were milling about on the stoop? I could’ve used South Dakota again in this example, but I don’t really have anything against those decent, hardworking folks. Washington state, on the other hand, is cold biting off D.C. anyway, and should fall into the ocean immediately.
I’m so tired of being confused with stupid, lame Washington state. “Where are you from?” “Washington, D.C.” “Oh, I love Soundgarden!”
Oh, phoo, enough bitterness, this is starting to sound like a blog. I really don’t mind watching from home. It’s probably a better view, and I’ll be able to flip around if it starts to get boring. As for witnessing history, I’ve got that covered with my case of Obama-themed “Orange you glad for change” Cola. In case you didn’t know, all the grocery stores are selling Obama shirts, Obama party supplies, and even little Obama figurines by the checkout counters. I was lucky to get out of my last grocery run with just this soda. I’m drinking one right now!
Hm. That’s odd. This doesn’t seem to be alcoholic at all. They said it was for parties. I don’t understand.
It also doesn’t taste anything like Obama.
It tastes like orange. Not the fruit, the color. Know what I mean?
What’s this on the bottle? “Barack Obama does not endorse Jones Soda and Jones Soda isn’t affiliated with the President Elect.” Wait, really? You lied to me! I thought that drinking this stuff was like voting twice! I thought I had to buy this, as a patriot, and drink it all, despite all my diabetes.
I’m going to write to these Jones Soda people in … let’s see … Seattle. What state is that in, again? Hold on a min … Google’s still working on it …
Oh, hell no.
If you’ll excuse me, I have to go cross the country and break someone’s window.
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