I saw Coraline the other day, and although I was really excited at first, I found myself getting more and more irritated at the wasted opportunities. It’s a very pretty, dark, stop motion animated film, and I think it might be interesting to watch with the sound off, while doing something else, but the story isn’t worth the amount of time and attention lavished on the visuals. It’s very dull, obvious attempt at a moralistic fairy tale. I don’t need to be told again that children should appreciate their parents, and parents should pay attention to their children. Yes, I knew that. Only a very small child wouldn’t be able to predict every single thing that happens in this movie, and unfortunately, the movie is way too scary for small children. So we’re left with a bunch of animation fans who are just happy that someone took 500 still photos of a doll saying “Boo,” and the people who find Neil Gaiman’s story imaginative and entertaining. Turns out I don’t. I haven’t read the book, though. Maybe the movie just took the very dullest elements from it and left all the creative ones? That wasn’t a good strategy.
It really came down to the sound. As I said, I would have preferred to watch it idly, without sound. Most of the writing would be obscured that way, and the experience could become mysterious, even magical, as it was supposed to be. Also, I wouldn’t have had to hear Dakota Fanning as Coraline. I don’t have anything against her, but she’s not a voice actor. She made this weird, alienated little girl sound like just another precocious, soulless Hollywood child star. Did anyone look at the character model and say, “You know who would be perfect for this role? Dakota Fanning! That is, if Lindsay Lohan is still busy with Shakespeare in the Park.”
Coraline also has a magical black cat who happens to be voiced by a good voice actor, Keith David. The cat doesn’t talk at first, but it’s clearly very wise and important. I’m not kidding here: the very first time I saw the black cat, I said to myself, “That cat is going to talk,” and shortly thereafter, I said, “That cat will be a black person’s voice.” I was leaning towards a black grandmotherly voice, but it was Keith David instead. So we get a magical black cat which reveals itself to be a Magical Black Man. The cat turns out to be wise and helpful, just when all hope is lost! Who’d have thought? I think at some point, he also teaches Coraline how to dance.
And for the record, no, I didn’t see it in 3D. I hear that’s how it’s supposed to be viewed. Perhaps those other two dimensions are Goodness and Not Sucking. Too bad I saw the other version, rather than the one everyone loved so much. Oh well. Sometimes it’s hard being on the Internet, you know? The Internet likes what it likes, and there’s no use arguing with it. But for the record, Snakes on a Plane wasn’t such a good idea, either. Coraline is Snakes on a Plane with Dakota Fanning, but nothing good comes of it. There’s your blurb.
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