The Battlestar Galactica finale is finally here, on my DVR, and I’ll be watching it soon. It truly is a momentous occasion. It’s time for this entertainment/cat fashion blog to look back on what any rational person would have to describe as The Most Important Show of All Time, Forever. Let’s make some bold predictions about a finale everyone else has already seen.
- Something will be revealed. Or rather, somewhen? They are not in the future, as we’ve always assumed. This entire show is taking place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The final scene will show Gaius Baltar explaining the finer points of repeated betrayal and redemption to a young boy who hopes one day to “gwow up and betway someone, just wike you, Gaius.” “Oh, I think you’ll do just fine, young … Lando.”
- Someone will die. But for real this time. They won’t come back, at all, even a little. Or, they’ll come back and then get killed, and just before dying, they’ll make it very clear that if given the opportunity to come back, as a Cylon, or a ghost, or even as a reincarnated worm, they aren’t going to do it. They’ll just stay dead, forever, finally, because they’re sick of living in a dirty spaceship and hearing drums all day.
- Guest star: Tahmoh Penikett, from that Dollhouse show. Admit it, that would be a real twist.
- The entire episode has no visuals whatsoever, and we’re like, what? We hear the characters’ voices fade in and out, accompanied by soft footsteps, long stretches of silence, and muffled giggling. And then the camera zooms out and we see that all this time we were in a broom closet, in the hall. The last line of the show? “Golly, I’m sure glad that Naked Day is finally over.”
- All this time, everyone has been searching for a planet called Earth. Finally, it will be revealed that they spell it with an extra R. Does this mean it’s not the same Earth? Or that in the Battlestar universe, Earrth was once ruled by Nelly?
- Finally, at long last, someone slips up and says the word “fuck”.
