Banditos! Banditos! Banditos!

Stand to the What Now?

Many people ride the thrilling escalators of the DC Metro and most of them stand to the right side, walk on the left.  That's just how it works.  However, DC also draws a lot of out-of-towners, or as we call them, Horgawomphenarians, especially around the Fourth of July weekend, who often block everyone by standing to the left.  It's annoying, but it happens all the time.  So what?

Some Metro stations have little signs that read "Stand to the Right" and do not work.  Some stations have embarrassingly obvious announcements telling people to stand to the right, which also does not work.  There are Stand to the Right T-shirts.  Wow.  That's really committing yourself and your wardrobe to something that will never work.  It's a cliché.  It's "Mind the gap" for a less tolerant city.

The deal is that people will tell you to move or they will run around you.  A little obnoxious, maybe.

But you know what's even more obnoxious?  Some guy - I'll call him Mort for reasons that will be revealed later - planted at the bottom of the escalator, shouting over and over, "Stand to the right!  People are trying to get through!  Stand to the right, people!  Everyone has places to be!  Come on!"

This utter tool yelled at an escalator full of tourists for several minutes.  There's nothing worse than taking a minor annoyance and getting overly emotional about it.  People who get angry like that disgust and infuriate me.

Later:  Oh, and Mort, I named you that in my head because I wished you would DIE

Technorati Tags: hypocrisy, DC, Metro, stand to the right

The White House Egg Roll

The annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn is as stupid a tradition as the turkey pardoning ceremony, but at least some kids get to run around and have fun.  It doesn't annoy me as much as the turkey thing.  I also like seeing the President hanging out with a giant bunny.  The turkey is being exploited, but the bunny ... well, the guy in the bunny suit is probably being exploited too, but he's not some idiot bird.  Usually he has more career options than a turkey.  It might be nice to stand next to President Bush as he strokes and pets you, all the while thinking, "He has no idea I'm not a real bunny."

My favorite Dorothy Parker quote is when she said Dashiell Hammett was so hard-boiled you could roll him on the White House lawn.  It's funnier if you actually visualize it.  Go on, try it.  Did the cigarette stay in his mouth or did he accidentally swallow it?

The Egg Roll is always the same, except that it gets bigger each year and more lovable non-Easter characters show up.  Clifford, Charlie Brown, and the Cat in the Hat will be there this year, among others.  Also, Troy Aikman.  No kidding.  I believe in the Easter Bunny but I'm pretty sure Troy Aikman is just a story parents tell their kids until they're old enough to figure out that the Cowboys suck.  Speaking of imaginative stories, Fox News really came up with some creative ways to waste space in their article on this year's Egg Roll:

First Lady Laura Bush will be joined by special guest readers including sportscaster and former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman, children's book authors Nancy Tafuri and Rosemary Wells, and Kyle Massey, star of the hit television show "Cory in the House."

The tradition of dying Easter eggs bright colors and exchanging them, hiding them and playing other games dates back to the ancient Persians. They have been coloring eggs for their New Year celebration, Nowrooz — which falls on the Spring equinox — for the past 2,500 years.

I'd prefer at least some transition between those two ideas.  "As we all know, Kyle Massey is the star of 'Corey in the House.'  And on a related note, the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz."  By the way, in procuring the picture you see here, I ended up in some sort of weird alternate reality where the shows on the Disney Channel were treated like real shows.  A world where Hannah Montana is President and all the adults just stand around waiting for a kid to talk to them.  The kids go to school, but not class, just the hallway.  They never work but all their cars are this year's model, and they hang out in fancy restaurants where every customer and waiter is an adolescent.  It was scary!  I want to go back to a simpler time, when the adults were in charge, and the ancient Persians celebrated Nowrooz.

See, Fox News?  That's called a transition.  Try it.

Technorati Tags: Easter, D.C., White House Egg Roll, Dorothy Parker, Dashiell Hammett, Kyle Massey, Nowrooz

Hello Nation

On February 5th, Super Tuesday, hundreds of D.C., Maryland, and Virginia residents either went to the polls or called election officials about voting that day.  And of course, we don't have our primaries on Super Tuesday.  We vote today.  This happened in some other states as well, for example, Texas.  The typical angle on this story is that these folks were confused by all the hype over Super Tuesday, and maybe they're not very bright.  But that's such an obvious and slightly rude comment.  I prefer to think that those people knew exactly what they were doing.  They wanted to vote as early as possible, just to make the calls stop.

I get like a dozen phone calls a day now.  National and local candidates, a couple Republicans, mostly Democrats, almost all pre-recorded.  If I don't pick up, they call back.  If I pick up and hang up, someone else calls.  Today I got two within ten minutes, just before I started writing this.  They were both for Obama.  One was a live person from his campaign and the other was Michelle Obama making sure I went out to the polls today.  Two calls, ten minutes, same candidate.

Here's a scenario I could understand:  Hillary calls, gets to vote for her.  Barack hears about it (like maybe Hillary called him and bragged about it), calls me up, and changes my mind.  Then it makes sense that Bill would call and try to switch me back, because I've already heard from Hillary, and she's just a little annoyed that I would betray her within ten minutes.  Then Michelle calls because she knows how this political stuff works and that no one can count on my support for more than a couple of minutes.  She's all, "This is Michelle Obama.  Are you out of the car yet?  I'm going to stay on the line until you're actually in the booth.  Now, there are some people outside the building with Clinton signs, so don't get scared, and we're walking, we're walking, you're doing great."

There were some kids outside at my local place selling soda to raise money for something or other.  That was the last thing I saw before heading in, so I ended up voting for Sprite.

Technorati Tags: politics, robo-calls, Clinton, Obama, Sprite, Chutes/Ladders '08, it's time for a slide

Smoke Free or Don't, Whatever

The state of Maryland recently instituted a smoking ban in bars and restaurants, although private clubs and businesses which make most of their income from tobacco sales are exempted from the ban.  The D.C. smoking ban has been in effect for a year now.  Governor Tim Kaine of Virginia supports a ban, but it never gets through the state legislature.  Southern Virginia grows tobacco, so that's that.  I for one am outraged that D.C., our nation's capital, and Maryland, our nation's crab hole, have taken away the right of adult Americans to smoke in bars and clubs.  I'm also outraged that Virginia cares more about the cigarette industry than about protecting the health of restaurant workers and non-smokers.  And I find it truly, truly, truly outrageous that my proposal for Shmokeez, the world's smoking-friendliest bar, has been turned down by every single lending institution I could find, including my mom.

Shmokeez:  "It eez vere you may shmoke!"

The front door to Shmokeez has no bouncer, but we guarantee that non-smokers will never, ever enter the joint.  That's because the entrance is protected by a series of deadly, invisible lasers.  You'll need to light a cigarette and blow smoke all around to reveal their location and then quickly dodge around them.  We reset the lasers nightly so you can't just memorize the pattern -- that's cheating!  Also, each morning we hose off the sidewalk, as it tends to become covered in a thick layer of shredded pigeons.

Once inside, feel free to order a drink from our vast selection of overproof beverages.  Every drink has plenty of Everclear, absinthe, or baijiu in it, and if it's not on fire when we serve it to you, it's free.  Leave those matches at home, folks, because every drink's a light.  Our bottled "water" is actually kerosene.  We reserve the right to refuse service to Trotskyists.  If you are going to advocate a state of permanent revolution, we can't keep supplying you with ammo.  We suggest that you advocate a flex-time revolution and come by around 4 a.m. when things get slow.

And remember, at Shmokeez, you don't have to feel guilty about exposing our employees to second hand smoke.  We only hire hard-core smokers, and forbid them from smoking at all during their shift, even during a break.  They're positively desperate for the slightest whiff of second hand smoke.  You may find that your waitress spends a suspiciously long time wiping down a nearby table, inhaling deeply all the while.  Watch closely as your bartender empties out your ashtray, because he might just give it a single, furtive lick.  You can tip them in Camel Cash if you like.

So come on down to Shmokeez, and smoke, and drink, and smoke some more, and have another drink, and engage in mating displays, and drink some more when that doesn't work, and smoke.  Absolutely everything in this club is alcoholic or flammable, or both.  You just might get drunk tonight and burn the nightclub down!  Don't worry, it's all heavily insured and if you could get some serious flames going before I have to make my first loan payment, that would be swell.

Technorati Tags: Maryland, D.C., Virginia, Tim Kaine, smoking ban, Shmokeez, I bet that's the only hit for that word

America's Proud Tradition of Turkey Pardons

Is anyone else sick of the president pardoning a turkey every single Thanksgiving?  It's the very definition of an empty gesture.  Each year, the president stands around snickering and posing with a turkey that's been specifically raised for the ceremony and never intended to be eaten.  He also pardons the "alternate turkey," the vice-president of turkeys, who is there just in case the original one dies of natural causes before the ceremony.  Two completely useless turkeys.  They're not even released into the wild, either.  They're sent to Disney World to be waved around on a parade float by some underpaid kid in a Goofy suit who reeks of salicylic acid and nacho cheese.  Maybe that's a relief after being groped by a dude who smells like a furtively chugged bottle of crème de menthe.  And nacho cheese.

But wait, the gesture gets even emptier.  Without the turkey, what will the White House have for Thanksgiving dinner?  Is this their one vegetarian meal of the year?  No, they just eat a different turkey.  Now, I'm not saying this bait and switch, this ritualized killing of millions of birds on one day while pretending to venerate the life of one specially chosen bird, might somehow epitomize a particularly American strain of cheerfully bloody-minded ignorance -- that's what I'm not saying -- but if you're going to waste the president's time, don't make him look like a hypocrite.  Either eat turkey or pardon turkeys.  Pick a tradition and commit to it, President Bush.  That turkey you gave away might have been delicious, and as you grudgingly masticate your bone-dry substitute bird, your thoughts return to the one that waddled away.  Is he happy in Goofy's arms?  Does he even remember you?  You're reminded of his pink, wattled face every time you look across the table at Laura.  Are you choking down turkey, Mr. President, or are you choking down tears?

Technorati Tags: Thanksgiving, turkey, pardons, George W Bush, hypocrisy

24 in D.C.

This season of 24 will be set in Washington, D.C.  For the next couple of weekends, Kiefer will be in town, which is OK, I guess.  I'm more excited about the tiny, tiny chance that they'll rename a street for Mary Lynn Rajskub.  We don't need a New York Avenue in D.C.  That's just confusing.  What's New York ever done, anyway?  Mary Lynn Rajskub can light up any room with a simple, joyful scowl.  Scowly Street, NW.  It's a one-way street, and don't cross it, or it'll pout and sigh all day.

From Variety:

While there, the "24" crew will also lense a lot of 180-degree backgrounds into which Sutherland and others can later be inserted via greenscreen. Gordon said the technology has finally gotten to a point where it looks seamless enough -- but it will still be a challenge given the frantic camera style that's a hallmark of the show.

"Some of the technology is amazing now," Gordon said. "You can insert actors onto the Washington Mall and do things you couldn't have done even a few years ago."

"Torture that goose.  Torture ALL these geese!  There's no time to explain!"

Technorati Tags: 24, Kiefer Sutherland, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Washington, DC

Silver Sprung

 Silver Spring, MD is within the Beltway but outside the boundaries of D.C. proper.  If you're talking to someone from another state, you can say you live in D.C., because otherwise all they hear is Maryland and they'll think you live in the Chesapeake Bay with the blue crabs and friendly seagulls braiding your hair.  But to someone who actually lives in D.C., it doesn't count.  Whole swaths of the District of Columbia don't actually count as D.C.  This happens when you don't let people vote.  Voting is like shitting -- it's just something you have to do once in a while or you start complaining that the adjacent neighborhood is illegitimate.  Hm, that simile got a bit out of control.

Back to Silver Spring.  A few years ago the downtown area was completely rebuilt with new roads, new stores, theaters, office buildings, and free WiFi.  It doesn't look anything like the old downtown anymore.  The Discovery Channel moved its headquarters there and during Shark Week a huge ferocious shark loomed over the town, sticking out of both sides of the building.  Or it could have been a coincidence because I hear building-eating sharks are attracted to free WiFi.  That's not even the weirdest change.  Ellsworth Drive was closed to traffic and turned into some kind of high-tech Main Street with a fountain, a cobblestone street, and an open Astroturf field for events and picnics.  It's like a movie set -- sort of cheerfully unreal.  See, that's how you do a simile.  The earlier one was like a piece of shit, because it was shitty.

Downtown Silver Spring is also crawling with hidden cameras and mall cops.  A real estate developer called The Peterson Companies spent $300 million to renovate it along with $100 million put up by Montgomery County.  I've heard that the downtown itself was actually sold to Peterson for $1, but that might not be true.  It's a good story, though.  It is true that although it looks like a public street, Peterson considers Ellsworth Drive private property. In June, Chip Py, a Silver Spring resident and amateur photographer, was taking pictures of the skyline, when a guard popped out of nowhere and told him photography is forbidden.

To make a long story short, DCist picked up the story, as did DC Metblogs, which organized a July 4 protest where photographers walked around Silver Spring taking photos in public.  As far as I know, no one was arrested, which makes sense because it's not illegal and the uniformed guys in Silver Spring aren't really cops.  It would be like the guy from the Village People arresting you for not dancing hard enough.  (A decent simile, not too flashy, and something we've all experienced.)  The response from Peterson Cos. (from Silver Spring Scene):

“We Welcome photography, videography and other filming at our Center. We permit all of these activities , as our patrons and tenants are neither harassed nor photographed or filmed over their objection. Also, any activity which would interfere with pedestrian or vehicular movement requires advance management approval. We continue to encourage patrons to report inappropriate behavior to police and security personnel. We reserve the right to modify this and other policies.”

Well, that seems fair.  I like the bit at the end where they reserve the right to change their minds.  That shows how open minded they are.  I'm not sure how I feel about this story.  On the one hand, based on their actions and public statements, these guys are a bunch of sneaky weaselsnakes.  And even though I hate having my picture taken, I can't imagine that buildings get too upset about it, and some good photos have come from this movement.  On the other hand, it looks like the county granted an easement on one half of Ellsworth Drive, which would give Peterson some legal authority to be rude and harass people in limited ways.  And I dearly love easements.  When I first started reading Anthony Trollope, I knew he was something special when easements came into the picture.  It's like the land has rights.  Property rights for property.  Wicked cool.

An easement is like passing out in a field and waking up to find baby bunnies cooking you breakfast.  One bunny squeezes fresh oranges into a cup while two work together pushing a wooden spoon around a big bowl of batter.  Another cranks up a generator for the waffle iron.  Soon you will have fresh dandelion waffles with carrot jam.  While you wait, would you care for a relaxing alfalfa facial scrub?  Yes.  Yes, you would.

Technorati Tags: Silver Spring, Ellsworth Drive, photography, public spaces, mall cops, similies, bunnies

Cry Me a Nasty River

Oh, boo hoo.  So D.C. tap water tastes and smells funny this week.  And now D.C., Falls Church and Arlington residents have harassed the Washington Aqueduct into doing something about it, just because that's their job.  Is water really that important to you people?  Why don't you find something else to be 60 to 70% made of?  Because right now you're like 95% complaining and 5% oh, look at me, I'm dehydrated, waaah.

So your water tastes "musty".  What a bunch of glass half-empty seers.  Why not say it tastes "historic"?  In Washington, D.C. our water tastes like something George Washington himself might take a sip of and die from.  Do you want to down a glass and barely notice it or do you want history to come alive in your mouth and bowels?  Say, is that Molly Pitcher at the Battle of Monmouth, bringing a cool jug of Holy shit it's the British!  Well, not really, but for a second there, you believed.

The Aqueduct's engineers have explained that higher temperatures and low water levels have caused an algae bloom in the Potomac.  That's why it smells like aquarium water.  Well, who couldn't use more algae in their diet, and who doesn't love an aquarium?  (Actually, if you love your aquarium, don't grow a lot of algae in it because it sucks up all the available oxygen.)  We could all learn something from the simple fish, who never complain or call the D.C. Water and Sewer Authority at (202) 612-3400.  Next time you see a Potomac fish, thank him for his stoic example.  (Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's a "him" because male bass in the Potomac have started laying eggs.  Use gender-neutral language.)

 You people should be grateful that you have clean, safe water at all.  And if, in fact, you don't, you should still be grateful.  You know what?  Stay grateful until further notice.  Maybe the Water and Sewer Authority doesn't immediately comply with the EPA, but usually they eventually comply, in their hearts.  And if they can't meet EPA standards, there are ways to adjust EPA standards so they're not so uptight and standardized.  Tired of rising gas prices?  Someday you may turn on your tap and get a stream of something your car can run on -- and it can make old silver look like new!

Finally, remember that clean drinking water is not some kind of goddamn human right.  If you don't like paying DC WASA's rates, you're welcome to buy bottled water, which is harvested from unicorn tears by translucent pixies in Magical Bumblebee Valley.  Oh, that's too expensive and pointless for you?  Well, just wait a couple days and the Aqueduct should get it under control.  But once it's gone, folks will cry about how they want just one more pungent, viscous, delicious sip of old fashioned D.C. stank water.

Technorati Tags: Washington, DC, water, musty water, WASA, EPA, Molly Pitcher, small mouth bass, instant iced tea

Confessionals

I'm as far as you can get from a confessional poet.  But in daily life, strangers confess things to me, sometimes in free verse.  I don't know why.  I'm from Jersey, where we prefer our cashiers mute and sullen, but in the South they like to chat.  D.C. isn't really the South, but it's full of Southerners, and when I visit the Virginia side it seems to have just a bit of down-hominess and Confederate pride.  I never signed up for that when I moved to D.C.  The South scares me!  I got a damn futon just so I wouldn't have to check for Jefferson Davis under my bed.

Anyway, sometimes random people unburden their soul to me.  The conversations meander through a whole series of non sequiturs, misunderstandings, and attempts to empathize.  Northerners or Southerners, cashiers or crazy ladies, they all end up telling me something they shouldn't tell anyone.  And I always end up offering some lame advice.  From today's encounter with the deli counter guy:

Confession:  "I could be with any girl, but I don't want just some hood rat.  I want a nice girl.  But they don't want to be with a guy who's missing a tooth."

Lame advice:  "All you have to do is make them laugh.  That goes a long way.  A really nice girl wouldn't be so superficial."

Wow.  I should be a professional helpful talky guy.  I'm surprised he didn't give me the honey ham free of charge, after that truly insightful advice.  In that moment, I became the deli counter guy's mom.  So I got that going for me.

I'll keep y'all (it's Southern!) updated on further adventures in walking to places and stumbling into conversations.  Someday I hope to meet Marie and tell her, "You are what you do.  You're only a ho if your actions are ho-ful.  Maybe the real ho is whatever bitch scribbled your name all over the damn neighborhood.  Living well is the best revenge, but in lieu of that, I sharpened this spoon for you."

Technorati Tags: confessions, advice, D.C., Jefferson Davis, oh that Marie

Captain America's Fictional Burial

So Captain America died?  How did I not hear about that?  You would think that would be all over the front page of the Daily Bugle, with some dramatic photos by that Peter Parker guy.

 So the Daily Bugle is fictional, too?  How did I not hear about that?

This story, found here in Slashdot form (short excerpt followed by bad in-jokes and misinformed people picking fights with each other) claims that the fictional superhero Captain America will be buried in Arlington National Cemetery.  Now, I know that joint ain't fictional.  I've never visited it, but I would like to someday.  I bet it's really dramatic.  I'm just afraid that I'll suddenly hear treacly music coming from nowhere and then I'll have to limp over to some random grave and tell a flashback story of the soldier who saved my life.  It's not even a very good story.  It was April, 1944.  I had ordered some oysters in a restaurant and a soldier dived in front of me, ate all of them, and died.  Suddenly I realized that April is a month without an "R" in it.  I also tell that story as an example of my heroism, because he was a Nazi soldier, and I got credit for the kill.  I went on to heroically kill a lot of enemy soldiers by almost eating things.

The money quote for this story seems to be:

Writer Jeph Loeb has been busy working through the stages of grief in his most recent titles, according to an Associated Press story. A book centered on Wolverine dealt with denial; one with the Avengers covered anger; and Spider-Man battled depression.

Wolverine's denial:  "I just (snikt!) can't believe (snikt!) he's gone.  Uh oh.  Looks like I ruined your couch."

Spider-Man's depression can be seen in Spider-Man 3.  It takes the form of an oily, soul-destroying puddle of goo named Tobey Maguire.

I'd say something about the Avengers here but I don't know who they are.  I guess they avenge things?  Good luck with that.

Anyway, who really cares if Captain America got killed?  I wouldn't read too much into it.  If Marvel Comics wanted to make some kind of symbolic statement about the current political climate, they would have killed someone who represents our political system, like Sergeant Separation of Church and State or Vice-Admiral Vice President.  Although I am a little suspicious of the manner in which Captain America died.  I heard he choked to death on confiscatory tariffs.

Technorati Tags: Captain America, Wolverine, Spider-Man, symbolism, superheroes, oyster danger

Erotic Postage

Sorry about the erratic posting schedule lately.  As I said before, I will never apologize for not posting.  I will, however, apologize for lying about that.  I've been in Texas for the past week, which was a lot of fun.  Although most of Texas has wireless access, the Omni in San Antonio charges you $10/day for it, even though they are the fanciest hotel in town.  Maybe that's how they pay for all the fanciness, with confiscatory fees for basic services.  The funny thing is, in a mid-range, business class hotel you'll always get free wireless. 

Also, what's up with delivering USA Today automatically, for 75 cents a day, unless you explicitly refuse it?  I've seen that at a couple of hotels.  I know you get a free Bible that you'll also never read, but why USA Today?  Is it the new Bible?  The Holy Trinity of unsolicited texts: the Gideon's Bible, USA Today, and the Yellow Pages.  And let's not forget the pantheon of lesser saints that show up in your mailbox every day.  Somewhere in this great country there is a very devout person who saves every piece of junk mail, and whenever someone on the street hands him a flyer he carries it home and mounts it on his wall like an ikon.  I really want to see what kind of blaze his house makes if he ever falls asleep smoking.

Let's tie this note to D.C. a little bit.  As everyone knows, you can't build anything in D.C. taller than the Washington Monument, which is 555 feet tall.  However, this restriction doesn't apply outside of the District, so the USA Today's original offices in Rosslyn are something like 30 stories tall.  (They're the shiny ones on the right side of the photo.)  For more D.C. real estate arcana, I highly recommend Inside the DC Bubble, for example, this story.  And for more info on erotic postage, find some other blog, because I typed that title accidentally.  I meant to type, "erratic posting."  This is not the place to talk about how the Hattie McDaniel 39-cent awakened a insatiable sensual beast within your loins.  I mean, she's hot, but she's not 41 cents hot, dude.

 

Technorati Tags: unsolicited text, erotic postage, USA Today, Hattie McDaniel, DC, Rosslyn, San Antonio, Anais Nin licking a stamp for three hours straight

Cleanup on Aisle Earth!

7 days until the Fallout 3 teaser, which is how I actually mark time now.  Oh, this darn game!  When I saw all those pipes, my first thought was, "Is there still chlorine and chloramine in the water or can I just put it straight into my aquarium now?"  I'd like to think that even after society has collapsed, I would still take care of my fish.  The cats can go fuck themselves though.

Ashley Cheng, production designer at Bethesda, has a blog.  I try not to look under the hood too much on a game until I've played it for a while, but he doesn't give much away anyway.  I would say that he is reasonably well informed about the game, so you can consider his blog a supplement to the one-stop Fallout information extravaganza that is 3xBanditos.

He also discusses other stuff, like not being able to find "authentic" Chinese takeout in Montgomery County, as opposed to in his hometown of Boston.  Maybe so.  I think the Chinese food around here is all right, but I had Boston Chinese recently, and it was actually very good.  My criteria are wonton soup, crab rangoon, and shrimp with lobster sauce -- the Hades, Zeus, and Poseidon of the meal, respectively.  The only three games I'm excited about this year are of course Fallout 3, BioShock, and Portal (enjoy that last link).  I leave it up to Ashley and the Fallout devs to decide whether their game is my steamy wonton soup, my crunchy crab rangoon, or my savoury shrimp with lobster sauce.  We all have to be on the same page with this metaphor, guys.

Oh, and Halo 3 is the packet of those greasy fried noodles that I'm just going to throw away.  Not that I'm hating on Halo, but screw you, Halo, I hate you.  No offense.

Turrets! Post-Apocalycious!

New Fallout 3 concept art, and now only 13 days to the trailer!  I'm very excited. I want to make a little advent calendar from the DC Metro map and slightly microwaved Bratz dolls, to represent mutants.  Yeah, I know I'm buying into the hype, but I have good feelings about Bethsoft, and that hype was really a bargain.  What if the hype becomes more valuable with time?  I'd be stupid not to buy it.

I think of this as the "Wish You Were Here!" picture.  A very important part of the Fallout humor is the mix of fatalism and optimism.  The dead guy is some kind of ten foot tall super-soldier, so don't feel bad for him.  Feel bad for his 500 best friends who have to go through the mourning process while storming your little base, rebel guys.  Did you know that for mutant soldiers, the stages of grief are: Rage, Rage, Reload, Rage, Anger, and Happiness?  A helpful mnemonic: RRRRAH!

I hope you can side with the mutants in this one, too.  Previous Fallout games gave you a surprising number of moral choices and I always tended to favor the mutants, unless they were being dicks.  I gave everybody a chance to explain their position, except for the giant irradiated scorpions.  I just shot them over and over.  That, too, is a moral choice, and I think a defensible one.

Those turrets look enticing.  I just finished a clever little HL2 mod called Rock 24, which has some good  and some bad turret moments.  The important thing when placing a turret in a single-player map is that because it's so powerful, it has to be almost impossible to get.  Have a couple of enemies already up there firing at you, and others dancing around and flushing you out of cover.  You should be almost dead when you get the turret, at which point it becomes the only thing keeping you alive as wave after wave of enemies try to rush you.  Despite having a classic turret scenario, the last battle in Rock 24 is pathetically anticlimactic because you suddenly get a whole squad of allies and they're much smarter and faster than you.  I just let them handle things while I had a picnic.  If you press Ctrl-Shift-P, Gordon sits down and pulls out a picnic basket.  Then you press E to activate it, which creates a baguette, a cheese dome with Brie, Stilton and Fontina (each has certain tactical advantages), and a bottle of Little Penguin.  If you hold the sprint key, you'll snack faster, but watch out for cramps.

I'm OK with having some allies in Fallout, but if it's going to be an action-heavy Oblivion-style RPG, I want them to be idiots.  Just run into the turret's fire while I take it from the side.  In keeping with the D.C. theme, maybe they should just be tourists.  You can give them simple commands like, "Go get a picture of that!" or "Ask that mutant for directions!" and they'll trot cheerfully off to their doom.  And the turret is no longer an all-powerful weapon because now it takes Metro Cards.  I hope you have enough on your card to kill all those guys, because shooting a scorpion is $1.35, but soldiers are $3.15 during rush hour, which is always, because we're at war.  And remember, no food or drink on the turret.  If you start eating a PayDay bar, a turret cop will pop out of his little booth and come over to fine you.  However, well, I'm just sayin' . . . you do have a giant gun, and turret cops are slow, and on weekends, they're free.

Fallout 3 vs. Washington, D.C.

Only 20 days until the trailer for Fallout 3, a post-apocalyptic RPG that takes place in D.C., according to the screen shots.  It's being made by Bethesda Softworks in Rockville, MD, so they didn't have far to drive for reference photos.  This picture shows the Washington Navy Yard all post-apocalypticized.  I think it looks creepy but lovely and not at all what the actual game will look like.  Still, I'm quietly optimistic, which excludes me from the vast majority of gamers discussing this game on forums, who are loudly pessimistic and can't spell.

This game has so much going against it.  For every person who loved Oblivion, Bethesda's last game, there is one who hates it just as much.  They're like particles and antiparticles -- as soon as an opinion is formed, a counterpart is created somewhere in the world.  And the Fallout fans are crazy.  Just avoid them.  I'm not saying don't play Fallout or Fallout 2, just do it secretly, and never discuss it with anyone.  If you meet a Fallout fan, run away in a zig-zag pattern because although they can spray invective for hundreds of feet, they turn slowly.

Fallout 1 and 2 were set in the desert.  I'm tired of that.  I hope this one is confined to D.C.  I think it's the perfect location for post-apocalyptic fun:

• New York is too sensitive.  GTA IV is already getting crap for depicting violence in a New York-like city.  D.C. actually burned to the ground once.  Every other sci-fi movie blows up the White House, so Bethesda can score points for originality by leaving it mostly intact.  I would love to shoot mutants in a "mostly intact" White House.
• Big traffic circles everywhere.  If Fallout 3 has vehicles, imagine the thrill of being able to get into a traffic circle without stopping.  Without even slowing down!  Want to drive on Connecticut Ave between 7 and 9 in the middle lane or whatever?  Go for it -- everyone's dead!
• I wonder what radiation does to snakehead fish?
• You do know this city is riddled with secret bunkers and tunnels, right?  So instead of trekking through endless desert to get to the underground vault, you just drop in, get radiation meds, pop out, shoot mutants -- it's quicker than a trip to Panera.
• Lobbyists.  Without the legislative branch, they'll need to put their unique skill set to use in other ways.  If you played the original Fallout series, you see where I'm going with this.
• I keep hearing about this exclusive-to-D.C. musical genre called Go-Go.  Well, with everyone dead, I bet it could finally catch on.
• The Empty Shell of a Broken World Cherry Blossom Festival is always nice.
• Racing down the Potomac!  I'm thinking something like the canal chapter in Half-Life 2, except rather than a giant bomb-laden gunship, the boss at the end is a symbol of the military-industrial complex as well as the indifference to civilian casualties that led to the nuclear war in the first place.  So, uh, two gunships.
• Finally, although I'm sure we'll see plenty of familiar landmarks half-destroyed, I think the most exciting will be the World War II memorial.  I want to see the work of some unknown graffitist who just paints another "I" at the end.  Take that, greatest generation!

Bethesda, feel free to use any of these suggestions.  In particular, I think you could use the tagline, "Go for it -- everyone's dead!"  It's playful and inviting.  It's kind of a Wii Sports meets everyone dying kind of thing.

Great artists steal. Burglars also steal.

From the Washington Post:

Mayor Adrian M. Fenty's administration copied significant portions of its education strategy verbatim from a plan developed by a North Carolina school system, even as the mayor seeks to show he has the vision and expertise to restructure governance of the District's troubled public schools.

Fenty's 31-page document is a blueprint of his plans to improve students' academic performance. It contains passages that are virtually identical to some in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg schools' strategic plan -- including the opening statement describing the administration's vision. Fenty's document was submitted to the D.C. Council in late February in support of his proposal to take control of the public schools.

God, I hope I quoted that right.  I'm new to this blogging thing, and that would be the very most ironic quote to misattribute.  It's from the Post.  I didn't write it, David Nakamura did.  Also, I first heard the story on WAMU.  They are both fine publications -- well, WAMU isn't a publication, but it is mighty fine.

Now, if you're going to plagarize someone's work, you should pick on someone who can't hire lawyers.  Ideally, someone who can't even spell "lawyer".  The Charlotte-Mecklenburg school district administrators are pretty lawyer-savvy, but what about Hickory Grove Elementary School?  Try this:

The Plan

Under the leadership of the current Superintendent, DCPS has articulated a new Mission, a set of Core Beliefs and Commitments, a Master Education Plan and a Master Facilities Plan. The Fenty administration recognizes these reform principles and documents as the product of significant community involvement and is committed to them as the starting point for its reform efforts following the passage of the “District of Columbia Public Education Reform Amendment Act of 2007”.

"I pledge to do my best in reading, math, and the rest. I promise to obey the rules in my class and in the school. I'll respect myself and others too. I'll expect the best in all I do. I am here to learn all I can, to try my best and be all I am."

We have identified a set of high priority goals and strategies that fit within the framework of the Master Education Plan. Some of these are strategies that have been adopted already by DCPS, but not implemented fully. Others are strategies that were not discussed explicitly in the MEP, but support the implementation of MEP objectives.

The BookClub will have a meeting Thursday, March 29th, 2007 from 6:00-7:00pm in the new school media center. The sessions will be held over a period of 4 weeks. During this time the book selection will be read and then the students shall meet and discuss the book together.

First Selection- Because of Winn Dixie (read second quarter)

Second Selection- Double Fudge (currently reading)

The strategies outlined in this Plan are not all-inclusive. Rather, they represent the major initiatives that will be in place by 2010 to meet the goals listed. Achieving the new goals will take time, but some dramatic action and changes must — and will — occur immediately. More actions and changes will follow, as additional plans and strategies are Dinosors lived millons of years ago. Some were as big as a house! But some were aslo very small.  Some dinosors ate meat but other dinosors ate plants and there were some that ate everything and those were the omnavores.  Stay away from those ones!They will eat you and your plants and all of your stuff.  Just kidding, dinosors are extint.  Now they are only in movies and in this drawing i made. (over)