Interview: Coal Mine Canary
Q: I'm very honored to be here in the coal mine with the beautiful and talented Coal Mine Canary. So, Coal Mine Canary, how are you today?
A: Why does everyone keep asking that?
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Fish vs. Bird
Monday, 09 July 2007
Passive-Aggressive Notes
I just learned about Passive Aggressive Notes, although I'm sure I'm way behind the Internet curve on this as usual. I have heard of Post Secret, but it seems like the folks who send in those postcards have some issues. Have you noticed that? I bet mailboxes get shivers and bouts of sobbing all day long when someone slips a Post Secret card in them. As I've always said, it's not a hot idea to have problems or issues, but if your heart is set on it, at least vent a little so you don't explode. And the best way to vent is to destroy a mailbox -- emotionally, not physically. Physically destroying mailboxes is tacky.
Back to Passive Aggressive Notes. I wanted to try my hand at one, but I wasn't sure who to abuse. So I wrote this and stuck it to my aquarium.
TO ALL FISH (THIS MEANS YOU!)
FROM: ME. THE GUY WHO FEEDS YOU (REMEMBER?????)
RE: just read the note, I'm not trying to tell you what to do but you owe me this!!
OK, so, the sanitation thing. You're peeing in the water. I don't want to name names, and I don't have to, because every single one of you does it. Have you ever seen me pee in your water? No. Because I use the toilet. I do that every time. Yeah, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I look over at the tank and think, why not? What's the harm? But then I just stagger out to the bathroom. It's called being civilized.
When I go to the ocean, I don't pee in the ocean, because I respect fish. Sure, it's a big ocean, but I can't get over the idea that as I start to let loose, there might be a baby shark passing by just in time to get a faceful. And that shark will be traumatized and grow up to be a killer. Virtually every single shark attack can be traced back to a human whizzing on a baby shark during its formative years.
We all urinate, and we all have to live on this Earth together. But some of us can fit others of us in our mouths. I'm just saying. But as long as we work together it'll be fine. This week the house plants drew "carbon dioxide" in the chore lottery and I drew "oxygen," so hopefully I won't pass out as much. You guys drew "make bubbling noises" and "don't die" and I expect to see you get on that.
Saturday, 30 June 2007
The Baltimore Orioles
The other day I saw the Baltimore Orioles play the New York Yankees at Camden Yards. Although the Orioles won 4-0, both teams did their best and I say they're both winners. At left is a picture of the Orioles mascot, who I think is just called the Orioles Bird. They say he hatched out of an egg at Memorial Stadium on April 6, 1979. I wish I could have been there. I'm very sorry, but I had something else going on. I promise you this, Orioles Bird, the next time a giant bird hatches in Baltimore, I will be there, and I will chew up some worms on the way to the stadium. Sometimes we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we forget the important things in life, like imprinting and regurgitation.
The other picture is an actual Baltimore oriole. Look at that cutie! If Edgar Allen Poe had seen this guy at his chamber door, he would have just smiled and fed it a sunflower seed. It would have croaked, "I'm sweet on you." He would have forgotten all about what's-her-name, thanks to his new avian friend. You know, sometimes you just have to move on. You have to put down the laudanum and grab the Mope Mop to wipe up all your excess mope. And even if some kind of demonic raven keeps reminding you of your dead love, you have to find a way to deal with it, and not get all morbid and sulky like some kind of quill-clutching crybaby. You know what I say? If life gives you ravens, make ravenade.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
Piscine Exfoliation
When I first saw this on Ugly Betty I thought it was a joke, but joke or no, I was intrigued. Little fish that eat your dead skin cells. Not just for vanity's sake, but also as a treatment for skin conditions. Here's a picture of Garra rufa, also known as the "doctor fish." Some spas use another species, Cyprinion macrostomus, but I don't find it as photogenic. Look at that little guy! Helpful and cute!
"I CAN HAS PSORIASIS?"
Friday, 11 May 2007
Legend of the Birdsock Riders
Although much has been obscured and
smeared by the buttery mists of history, the legend of the Birdsock
Riders lives on. Isolated villages in the Chilean altiplano still
pass down the story from grandmother to grandchild, and then back
again when the grandmother forgets. The story is always the same:
one summer day, a group of preternaturally thin foreign men rode into
town on llamas and left with birds in their socks.
Were they angels? Were they aliens? Were they aliengels from Space Heaven? I believe they were ordinary men who made their own rules about right and wrong. Some say they would spend hours silently watching a flock of yellow finches or croaking ground-doves, estimating each bird's hardiness and lift potential. Then, without warning, none at all, no warning, they would whip off one of their socks, pounce upon a bird, shove it in the sock, and put the sock back on. It was all over in the blink of an eye. The second sock would probably take longer what with the hopping.
Is the archetype of fleet-footed Hermes somehow related to the pair of frantic wings in the socks of these Chilean folk legends? Probably; that makes a lot of sense. Certainly the Riders brought a message of sorts: "Look, I can fly, but it's a hassle." Some tales describe them as merely hovering a few inches off the ground while others tell of majestic swooping and gliding among the clouds. Crude drawings depict something akin to a barrel roll, as well as a painful-looking maneuver when the birds decided to fly in opposite directions.
I believe there is a rational explanation for this physics-defying feat. First, consider that Birdsock Riders are typically described as "thin" or "waif-like." In other words, a low body mass. Secondly, South American birds are real troopers. Finally, some modern day ceremonies honoring the Riders include holding a nest in each hand. A bird's natural instinct is to fly towards a nest and thus by moving the arms about, one can achieve altitude and directional control. (Modern re-enactments, rather than using live birds, substitute marshmallow Peeps.)
The full truth about the Birdsock Riders may never be known. Still, feel free to spread this very plausible hypothesis about them. I leave you with a traditional Aymaran song describing the experience of Birdsock flight.
Before me in the sky
I see a butterfly
But I can fly twice as high!
Take a look!
Up here
I'm up here on two birds.
CHORUS:
Tell it to the trees and toads
I am on the rainbow road
Hold me sky and don't let go
(yeah)
I got a sock full of bird
(uh huh)
I got a sock full of bird!
Monday, 07 May 2007
Park Animals!
Well, I'm sorry I didn't post over the weekend, but I'm not going to apologize for it. I hate those bloggers who have to apologize for every day they don't post, even if they have a really good excuse, as I do. I feel sorry for them. I'm sorry they're sorry. But I do not apologize, because I have nothing to be sorry for. As we said in the Old Country, “Mea culpa.”
So, I didn't post because I was at the park (sorry! my bad!), but I saw a lot of hot new animals for the spring season! Now, without further ado, at all, it's my review of: Park Animals!
Two Geese Herding Six Goslings
Across the Path and into the Water
Three Stars
I could have done without all the honking. They split the goslings up into groups of two and four, with one goose leading his pair across the path while his mate waited in the woods. During the whole operation they just honked like crazy. I guess that's one way to deal with predators, annoy them.
Anticlimactically, the geese and goslings all made it into the water without any trouble. Then they paddled around for a while. The goslings looked and swam like little tennis balls with tiny, flailing feet. No speed or control at all, just natural buoyancy. Still, I look forward to seeing them in other estuaries.
Two Ducks Getting It On
Five Stars
Now, this is definitely not for the kids. These ducks went crazy. One used his whole body to thrust the other one underwater and then just tooled around the pool with her just barely keeping her head high enough to breathe. I'm assuming the half-drowned one was the female, unless they were doing a role-playing thing. She did a lot of preening afterwards and he stuck around, which was polite at least. She also displayed her full wingspan before they started getting it on, as if to say, “Look at all this duck! Don't you want some of this?” Sparks flew!
Four Turtles Sitting on a Mossy Rock
No Stars
Yeah, I really liked this one, back when it was called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II : The Secret of the Ooze.
