Oh, boy are you folks in for whatever the opposite of a treat is! It's Friday, and all week I've had something akin to writer's block. But rather than a lack of ideas, I've been overwhelmed by a surplus of truly awful ideas. They're worse than ever! Check 'em out:
The Appellation Trail -- a long, mountainous trail where all the trees and woodland creatures call you names. Sometimes they call you by your actual name, and sometimes they call you insulting, but apt names. Either way, it's unnerving. Hikers beware!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sarcastic Dog.
Sarcastic Dog who?
"Woof."
See, that one doesn't even come across in print.
The Wisdom of Crowds. I would go out and ask crowds what they thought of important questions like, "Is it better to have loved and lost, or never to have loved at all?" and their answer would be something like, "Sit down! We're trying to watch the movie!"
Metal Fatigue, the metal band with clinical depression. But then that goddamn bridge in Minnesota collapsed. It would've looked like I was just cashing in on the bridge-collapsing fad.
A reality competition called So You Think You Can Detect Trace Amounts of Poison, where each week ordinary people would walk out on stage, take small bites of food, and then vomit. The big twist at season's end is that the poison is actually in their makeup!
Ryan Adams' new album, Easy Tiger. I think I was going to say that Ryan Adams was looking for a tiger to fuck. And then something about how, if you're going to fuck a tiger, it should be a slutty tiger? And then it went into a lot of unnecessary detail.
A list of thing that can be swallowed whole which would include a grapefruit, which is funny because realistically, almost no one can swallow a grapefruit whole. But you write something like that and the next day it's hello lawsuit.
On Thursday, a whole bunch of day laborers held a rally at Capitol Hill. So let's say on that one day, construction foremen were driving around in their pickup trucks totally freaking out because they couldn't find anyone to finish up the building before the weekend. And then on Monday, the mayor cuts the ribbon in front of the new shopping center and it just collapses behind him. But, again, that goddamn bridge. I wish it had never happened.
And on Wednesday, Herman Melville's birthday. If he were alive today, he'd be pretty surprised! Right whales are an endangered species now. He'd be like, how can I get my whale hunt on? and we'd be all, Herman! Not cool!
You know that crazy Left Behind series? The evil U.N. Secretary-General, who turns out to be Satan or something, is a Romanian named Nicholae Carpathia. And no one sees that coming? What kind of idiotic U.N. representative votes for a guy named Dracula von Fangenbat?
Gender differences! I'm sure there are some!
In honor of the Simpsons movie I thought I might write a post filled with all sorts of Simpsons quotes, like "Worst. Something. Ever." and so on. But then someone ripped off my idea! Actually, everyone has ripped off my idea, over and over, for years now.
Frog and Toad at the House Un-American Activities Committee:
"Mr. Frog, how would you characterize your relationship with Toad?"
"Senator McCarthy, I say now, and I have always said, Frog and Toad Are Friends."
"Would you say this is a temporary friendship?"
"On the contrary, Senator. I would go so far as to say Frog and Toad All Year."
Finally, remember that old computer game Oregon Trail? I thought it might be illuminating to live for an entire year using only items and techniques from that game. This turned out to be a pretty bad idea. Now I have cholera and a house full of dead oxen. Those are the two telltale signs of a bad idea.
