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The Darjeeling Limited, 6/8

Finally saw The Darjeeling Limited.  It was OK.  One really funny bit, one really sad bit, and the best character by far was Jack, the youngest brother.   He's sexpertly played by the suave Jason Schwartzman, seducing sexy ladies with his sexy style.  Anyway, it's just like every other Wes Anderson movie, and I can sum it up in about five words: Meticulously quirky symbolic family pathos.  If I had three bonus words, they'd be "slow motion photography."

Or, "Natalie Portman's ass."  Everyone knows about that already.  Disappointing.  I'm not much of a Natalie Portman fan, but I went in there with an open mind, and honestly, her ass just didn't grab me.  It's sad, really.  Imagine having your ass described as "underwhelming."

Schwartzman co-wrote the script, which may explain why he's the one who unveils Natalie Portman's ass and spends the rest of the movie bringing sexy back and not bothering to wear shoes.  Hopefully he's not responsible for Darjeeling's chronic case of Important Symbolism.  Wes Anderson movies all do it, but this one's the worst yet.  Every other scene is stuffed with very, very meaningful symbols, highlighted by songs whose lyrics directly relate to the scene, plus the whole damn thing's in slow motion.  I was able to predict the entire damn ending of the movie based on the blatant symbolism of the first few scenes.  I guess I shouldn't "ruin" it, so I'll make up something equally obvious and punny.  In the first scene, three kittens watch their dad get hit by a fish delivery truck and inherit his favorite ball of yarn.  At the end, the kittens wrestle a shark and lose because the yarn has gotten all tangly and their dad never taught them how to use scissors.  In slow-mo, of course, and as for the soundtrack, you know that old song about how the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon?  Something less subtle.

Granted, I had plenty of time to work out the details thanks to the fact that the movie takes twenty minutes wondering how to end.  It can't decide which obvious gesture would really get the message across, because guess what?  You can only dumb something down so much.  I can't "get it" any more.  There's actually a joke about how the oldest brother keeps searching for meaning in everything.  That's not clever, it's just annoying.  Oh, and the running gag about how the youngest brother writes stories based on his life, but insists that the characters are all fictional.  This is in case you did not get the joke with the oldest brother.  There is a series of symbolic safety nets to make sure you understand this terribly difficult movie. 

Also, the safety nets are equipped with training wheels, and encased in bubble wrap.  My excessive explanation is intended to satirize The Darjeeling Limited's excessive symbolism, and this bit of explanation satirizes the wink-and-nod tone that purportedly excuses such authorial indulgence.

See how that's annoying?  Do you get it?  Do I need to do it more?

Anyway, it's a decent movie despite itself, and it was better than Fred Claus, which I didn't see, but I'm sure that's true.  I give it 6 out of 8 stars and refuse to reduce that fraction to its lowest terms.  Work it out yourself.

Technorati Tags: The Darjeeling Limited, Jason Schwartzman, Natalie Portman, booty letdown, symbolism, fractions, brothers, kittens

Under the Blacklight, Rilo Kiley: 9/10

If you're a fan of Rilo Kiley, like I was, you owe it to yourself to give their new album, Under the Blacklight, at least one listen.  You don't have to listen to the whole album.  I only heard half of it before I broke.  Surely the second half is much, much better.   I have no direct evidence to disprove that assumption, and you can't make me gather any.  The Rilo Kiley case is closed.  Why are you so interested in dredging up all that ancient history?  Let the dead stay dead.  The alternative is gross.

Oh man, this new album.  Where to begin?  It hurts all over.  It sounds like Bonnie Raitt.  The local Bonnie Raitt fan in my circle informs me that it sounds like someone trying to be Bonnie Raitt, but failing, because they are bad, whereas Bonnie Raitt is, I think they said, not bad?  Good?  I forget.  They compared Jenny Lewis to Sheryl Crow, and not even favorably.  I asked a Mac person who said that it sounded like Bill Gates released an album.  I also consulted a snake, who said, "Who put on that damn mongoose music?  That mongoose sucks."

(This video's a little racy, possibly NSFW.  Mostly just cheesy.)

Rilo Kiley just played the 9:30 Club here in D.C., which sounds like it was a decent show, except for people in the audience talking.  I'm sorry I missed it, if only because they played several songs from their previous album, More Adventurous.  That was a nice album.  A bit over-produced, but deep down it was kind of raw and quirky.  All pop music is either too good, which is boring, or too bad, which is intolerable.  More Adventurous was very good, and just bad enough.  Under the Blacklight is a pitch-perfect reproduction of someone else's incredibly shitty album.  I give it nine out of ten stars, where stars are defined as giant flaming balls of gas which will instantly kill you if you go anywhere near them.

Technorati Tags: Rilo Kiley, Under the Blacklight, 9:30 Club, More Adventurous, Moneymaker, train heist music reviews

Day Watch (Дневной дозор)

The Russian sci-fi epic explodaganza Day Watch is the middle part of a trilogy that began with Night Watch and will conclude, maybe, with a movie called, maybe, Dusk Watch.  (It's all very complicated, so let these folks explain it and tell them thanks for the images I stole from their site.)  In the Watch mythology, Good and Evil gave up fighting years ago and created a truce which allows each human to choose, without interference, which way to flip.  Some folks, known as the Others, have special powers, and when they choose a side they join up with the Night Watch (good) or the Day Watch (evil).  Sounds backwards, right?  Well, the Night Watch "watches" the Day Watch, and vice versa.  There, now it makes as much sense as it ever will.

Day Watch throws a lot of complicated mythology at you and if you haven't seen Night Watch it won't make a lick of sense.  Even if you have, it makes two, maybe three licks, tops.  One nice thing is that Day Watch actually explains a few of the things that were glossed over in Night Watch, as well as bringing back every character from the first movie.  Really, every single character, even (mostly) inanimate objects.  I normally find that excessive but here it helped me keep track of how all these goddamn things tied the hell together.  By the end, they tied together, well, let's just say very tightly.

I liked Night Watch with some reservations and I liked Day Watch much more.  It's  funnier, for example.  Dispensing with the complicated mythology means there's more time for character-based comedy.  From the very first scene to the goofy credit sequence, the movie regularly reminds you that although the fate of the world hangs in the balance, the fate of the world always hangs in the balance, and we're not dead yet.  It's a bit like Men in Black.  The two main plot devices are a magic piece of chalk and an evil yo-yo.  I am not kidding at all.  The Watch trilogy has been called Russia's answer to the Matrix trilogy, because it's full of crazy stunts, loud music, and CGI destruction.  But I believe it is superior to the Matrices, because although I didn't see Reloaded or Revolutions, I bet they had, at the most, a marginally evil yo-yo.  Day Watch has the most evil fucking yo-yo I've ever seen going all Tommy Smothers on downtown Moscow.

Unlike the first film, Day Watch gives screen time to the forces of evil, who are more entertaining, and not all that evil.  The good guys have the coolest wheels (a beat-up municipal truck) and the hottest hottie (Olga, played by Galina Tyunina -- I wasn't crazy about Alisa, but decide for yourself) but the evil guys have better clothes and dance moves.  Also, the good guys are at least as evil as the evil guys.  They're a bunch of sanctimonious, manipulative assholes.  The evil guys aren't sanctimonious.  The Watch series depicts Light and Dark Others as bureaucrats and ogliarchs, respectively, each side constantly bending the rules of a corrupt system.  If you had to choose, wouldn't you party with the ogliarchs, too?

I saw the subtitled theater version, and as someone who speaks Russian at the level of a child or a dog (a sneaky, Bulgakov type dog), I thought the translation was sort of off but nothing important was missing.  Some of the jokes didn't make sense in English, but you can still tell they're jokes.  I don't know how you would translate "yolki palki" -- imagine if it were OK for a little kid to say, "Fuck me!" in surprise.  Just barely shocking, but mostly cute.  But the subtitles read, "Eh, do as you want," or something equally unfunny.  It's as if they translated that line from Snakes on a Plane as, "I have serious concerns about the total serpentine content of my aircraft."

However, these are no ordinary subtitles!  They show up all over the screen, in different colors, with pretty fade and dissolve effects, all contextually based.  The word "blood" will be red, and drip off the screen, whereas "mint" is green, and "snow" gets blown away as if by wind.  As someone drums and sings aloud, the words bounce to the rhythm.  It sounds gimmicky but after a few minutes I started viewing the subtitles as an integrated part of the images on the screen, as opposed to a distraction.  my favorite example is when an unseen force starts whispering things that aren't really speech, like the jungle on Lost, so the subtitles flash a bunch of nonsense words rapidly across the screen.  It's very cool, but I can't really explain the full effect, even if I worgy huplar glumaphs rinklor moo -- yeah, that doesn't work.

If it's playing in your area, and it won't be for long, I highly recommend Day Watch, and I'm not just saying that because Vladimir Putin can kill anyone he likes at any time.  You should have a high tolerance for loud music, fast action, and magic chalk, and renting Night Watch beforehand couldn't hurt.  But that's all you'll need to experience and even enjoy this movie.  Actually, you'll need some way to pay the theater people, too.  They should take cash or a credit card.  And find a ride to the theater, unless it's within walking distance.  Also, wear clothes.  (Banditos readers -- I included these last few suggestions in case this review gets reprinted in Ain't It Cool News.  Ignore this.)  Again, the movie is Day Watch, so sit down and watch it, and if something on the screen is scary or makes you feel funny, use your inside voice.

Technorati Tags: Day Watch, Dnevnoi Dozor, Night Watch, Light Others, Dark Others, all the other Others, Bulgakov, Putin, Ain't It Cool News, that idiot Harry Knowles

Park Animals!

Well, I'm sorry I didn't post over the weekend, but I'm not going to apologize for it.  I hate those bloggers who have to apologize for every day they don't post, even if they have a really good excuse, as I do.  I feel sorry for them.  I'm sorry they're sorry.   But I do not apologize, because I have nothing to be sorry for.  As we said in the Old Country, “Mea culpa.”

So, I didn't post because I was at the park (sorry! my bad!), but I saw a lot of hot new animals for the spring season!  Now, without further ado, at all, it's my review of: Park Animals!

 

Two Geese Herding Six Goslings Across the Path and into the Water
Three Stars

I could have done without all the honking.  They split the goslings up into groups of two and four, with one goose leading his pair across the path while his mate waited in the woods.  During the whole operation they just honked like crazy.  I guess that's one way to deal with predators, annoy them.

Anticlimactically, the geese and goslings all made it into the water without any trouble.  Then they paddled around for a while.  The goslings looked and swam like little tennis balls with tiny, flailing feet.  No speed or control at all, just natural buoyancy.  Still, I look forward to seeing them in other estuaries.

 

Two Ducks Getting It On
Five Stars

Now, this is definitely not for the kids.  These ducks went crazy.  One used his whole body to thrust the other one underwater and then just tooled around the pool with her just barely keeping her head high enough to breathe.  I'm assuming the half-drowned one was the female, unless they were doing a role-playing thing.  She did a lot of preening afterwards and he stuck around, which was polite at least. She also displayed her full wingspan before they started getting it on, as if to say, “Look at all this duck!  Don't you want some of this?”  Sparks flew!

 

Four Turtles Sitting on a Mossy Rock
No Stars

 Yeah, I really liked this one, back when it was called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II : The Secret of the Ooze.