"Look, you're leaving soon, and I don't want to fight about this before you go, so I'll just agree that yes, a coffee bean could get lost in my bed somewhere, and it's possible that it could somehow take root and grow a coffee plant in my urethra."
From the June 1957 edition of Scientific American:
MOON DUST--"The possibility of actually bringing back some of the moon's material is a scientific bonanza so alluring that ingenious schemes have been proposed to accomplish it, even without landing on the moon. We might, for example, send a pair of rockets, one trailing the other closely by means of a homing device. The first rocket would drop a small atomic bomb on the moon. Since the moon has no atmosphere and comparatively little gravity, the bomb cloud would rise very high. The second rocket could dive into the cloud, collect some of the spray and emerge from its dive by means of an auxiliary jet. Of course, such a maneuver would require a miracle of electronic guidance.--Krafft A. Ehricke and George Gamow"
Is it too soon to say this is a bad idea? I understand that geologists really like the idea of studying extraterrestrial rocks. The "rock jocks" always talking about how we need to "bring rocks back" when I'm still working on bringing sexy back. And of course George Gamow would use atomic bombs to clean a mildewy shower curtain, but this is overkill. I guess I'm one of those people who believe that God created atoms for just one reason: to keep my shit from getting all quantum entangled in my other shit. I also don't like the foods on my plate to mix with each other.
#1: Don't nuke the moon. It's a dick move.
#2: Bring back the irradiated dust? Sha-what?
#3: Won't someone think of the moon rabbit?
In Japan, they know the truth: A friendly bunny lives in the moon making rice cakes (mochi). That's why the word mochizuki can mean "mashing rice cakes" or "a full moon." Why would the words be so similar? Your science cannot explain that! The only possible explanation is the lunar lupine hypothesis. Must we contaminate the moon rabbit's rice to please a few desperate rock jocks? I say, no! And I also claim that I have just typed a sentence that has never been said before in human history.
However, I didn't say it out loud as I typed. So if you, dear reader, say it out loud this very instant, I can pretty much guarantee you will be the first person to ever say that particular sentence. (If you got to it first. If not, second place is still respectable.) Congratulations! And if you said it aloud at work, double congratulations, and I hope you shouted it at the top of your lungs.
April 20, 1902
Today Pierre and I created radium chloride. I guess that was pretty
fun. Pierre is pretty happy about it and maybe we'll get an award. I
would be OK with that.
April 21, 1902
I didn't do much this morning because I had the blahs. But this
afternoon, I synthesized pure radium from the radium chloride. I had a
feeling that might be possible because it's in the name, radium
chloride. And my hunch paid off. I also made polonium, which is a
whole different element, with a different name. Weird.
April 22, 1902
Wow. Just -- wow. Radium is very pretty. It's like a tiny blue star
faintly twinkling in the palm of my hand. I think it might be one of
the most beautiful elements on Earth. It's certainly one of the most
delicious.
April 23, 1902
I cannot believe how much better my pierogis taste with a bit of
radium! Maybe it's not "authentic" but I don't care. They were a huge
hit at the potluck and all night I was showered with compliments and
recipe requests. But if I tell them my secret ingredient, you just know everyone will be refining pitchblende in their own kitchens.
April 24, 1902
omg! i had a hunch that radium would give me energy and boy was i
right! i just had to crush it up and snort it with a pipette and
suddenly i was just flying around the house! i had no idea the fan
blades were so dusty but not anymore! i also decided i don't like
capital letters and i am never using them AGAIN ok that one time but
that's it
April 25, 1902
Pierre staged an intervention today.
He thinks radium may be addictive.
He says I should stop snorting it.
Fuck him.
April 26, 1902
Oh, Pierre, you were right! It's so hard giving up nasal radium!
Thank God I can wean myself from it slowly with these harmless radium
patches.
April 27, 1902
Today the sun was very bright. I held up my hand to shield my eyes, but I could see through it.
April 28, 1902
Ever have one of those days where you just sat and watched a peanut pass through your upper intestine?
April 19, 1902
Uh-oh. It looks like I went backward in time. I wonder how that
happened. You know what? I'm going to have a chat with myself. I'll
give myself a good talking-to, ha ha!
April 20, 1902
In retrospect, I should not have popped out of that closet. It wasn't
funny. After I calmed myself down, I told myself to maybe lay off the
radium. I mean, discovering it was a good idea, but I think as a
spice, it tends to overwhelm the other flavors. Boring as it sounds,
maybe I should only investigate it from a scientific perspective.
Well, that's enough messing with the past. I find it wearying.
May 22, 2007
Now this is more like it! Now I'm in the future, and it's surprisingly
comfortable. I enjoy these Bluetooth devices as well as these Swiss
Cake Rolls. Well, I've got to go. I wonder where a gal can find a nice stiff Long Island
Iced Radium around here?
