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Which Whitley Are You?

It's often been said that there are two types of people in this "Different World" of ours: Whitleys and non-Whitleys.  It's also said that non-Whitleys are just Whitleys that haven't realized it yet.  Pre-Whitleys, if you will.  Every soul on Earth takes on a different aspect of Whitley, but there is only one Whitley, and she is we.  So which Whitley are you?

Evil Whitley

Evil Whitley is not really evil.  We prefer to call her First Season Whitley.  She has an overdeveloped sense of entitlement because her family hath donated a lot of money to Hillman.  She also hath an overdeveloped Southern accent, very different from the accent heard in 99.9% of Southerners.  It's the sort of drawl never heard outside of Julep: The Musical or radio advertisements for Gran'paw Molasses' Ole-Fashioned Cotton Slaw.  Do not fear Evil Whitley, accept her, drawl and all.  Y'all.

Redemption Whitley

Once Denise Huxtable leaves school to teach African children how to knit sweaters from Jell-o, Whitley suddenly becomes a likeable character.  She's still a stuck up Southern Belle, but now she receives a comeuppance and/or learns a valuable lesson about once an episode.  Thus the long, long road of Whitleyan redemption begins.  Her romantic life enters its pupal stage, during which she dates Julian, the student who is not Dwayne Wayne, even though she and Dwayne Wayne are meant to be.  Do you, like Redemption Whitley, not yet recognize your true love?  No?  How would you know, smarty?  You don't recognize them yet.  Q.E.D.

Scheming Whitley

Scheming Whitley is half evil, half good.  She has realized that Dwayne Wayne is the only one for her, but she attempts to interfere in his current relationship.  Her energies are misdirected.  The stone which touches water must forever leave the mountain.  When the sunglasses are flipped down, the world goes dark, but when they are flipped up, the light is blinding.  Do not travel during Scheming Whitley.

Whitley of the Wed

Wednesday is the day of wedding, and this is the day when our own Whitley must marry the Dwayne Wayne.  She will be Whitley Gilbert, of Gilbert Hall, no longer.  Now she must become Whitley Wayne!  Her initials are W.W.  Added together, that makes the letter U four times ("double U"), or the words, "For You."  Whitley Wayne is for you!  Feel good about that!  Her royal crest is that of A Different World's final season, which is that of an azure Sinbad sinister on a pair of ravens, water skiing over the head of a shark.

Jasmine Guy

Jasmine Guy is technically a post-Whitley.  If you are born under the sign of Jasmine Guy, you retain some Whitleyan essence, but you have moved on to other projects and find it heartbreaking to tell small children that no, Hillman is not a real college that they can attend someday, and no, Dwayne Wayne does not teach there.  "Now y'all scatter, y'all li'l scalliwags, y'all.  Jasmine Guy needs to put on her eye shades and face mask and catch a lil' ol' beauty sleep."

Technorati Tags: Whitley, Whitley Gilbert, Dwayne Wayne, Hillman College, A Different World, from where you come from

I Turn My Camera On

While driving past a gas station today I saw a guy changing the prices on the sign.  He was on the ground using a very long hook to switch the numbers.  The first thing I thought was, At least I'd enjoy that part of the job.  I mean, almost no one gets to use a hook that long.  It's like I'm Batman.  The second thing I thought was that it's too bad I'm not a camera guy for the local news, because this is the perfect image for a story about how gas prices are fluctuating.  "Gas prices went up today," says the news anchor, as we see those numbers change in real time.  Much better than showing one sign, then fading out, and fading in again on the same sign, but with a different price.  Also better than showing a guy forking over three dollars and whatever for his gallon of gas, and then showing the same guy paying a larger amount the next day.  We can tell it's the next day because he's wearing different clothes, the ones that are in fashion that day.  Or a prominently placed calendar?  That'd work, too.

The camera guys have a really tough time with stories about breast cancer, because it's illegal to show a breast on the news.  You could show a cancer cell, but it's hard to tell that it's specifically a breast cancer cell.  It's hard to visualize.  This is where the graphics guys really step up with their wire frame models of the female torso.  Wire frame models are perfectly legal, and the cancer is depicted as a red splotch or bull's eye on one breast.  They can also do a little blinking light, but in this electronic age, that doesn't "read" as a tumor.  Instead, it looks like someone's breast has messages.  You also can't depict prostate cancer as a wire frame man with a giant blinking crotch, because that "reads" as one very lonely man's erotic tribute to Tron.

Sometimes the camera guys and the graphics guys can't quite pull it off.  Let's say a local community recently instituted an curfew for teenagers.  You can't get footage of a curfew.  The best you can do is a shot of an empty parking lot at night, and the graphics guys can add some shadowy human shaped outlines, with captions like, THIS IS WHERE THE TEENS WOULD BE.  That's where the sound effects guys come in.  There is a sequence of notes which has a universal meaning of teenagers leaving.  It's played at the end of Ghost World, most episodes of Dawson's Creek, and pretty much any scene where someone takes one last look at something.  It's the one that goes, ba ba BA ba BA BA baaa.  "Things will NE-ver BE THE saaame."  Sound guys know it.  It's on a frequency that makes doves cry.  Just put a little of that in the scene, and everyone gets it.  "Say, is that the sound of an empty swing being pushed by the wind?"  "No, I think it's something being shattered -- glass?  Innocence, maybe?"  "Well, whatever it is, Granny just had a seizure, and things will NE-ver BE THE saaame."

Technorati Tags: local news, wistful tones, blinking lights, pricing gas

The Amazing Race: Kitten Edition

Phil:  Sunflower, Blueberry, I'm sorry to tell you -- you are the last team to arrive.

Sunflower:  Hiss!  Rowr!

Blueberry:  Mew?

Phil:  But fortunately, this is not an elimination round, so you're still in the race.

Blueberry:  Purr, purr.

Sunflower:  [licks paw, looks away in disdain]

Phil:  However, in the next leg of the race, you will have a speed bump, a task that only your team will be required to complete.

Sunflower:  [displays claws, swipes at Phil's leg]

Blueberry:  Mew?  Mew?  (sniffle)  Mew?

Phil:  So, what do you think of the race so far?

Blueberry:  When we first started this race, we were just litter mates, but now we're friends.  I discovered that Sunflower is a very strong kitten, even if sometimes he can be a bit abrasive.  Win or lose, we've learned to appreciate and support each other, and that's the real prize.

Sunflower:  I've learned that I hate flying as cargo.

Technorati Tags: The Amazing Race, Kittens, writer's strike

24 in D.C.

This season of 24 will be set in Washington, D.C.  For the next couple of weekends, Kiefer will be in town, which is OK, I guess.  I'm more excited about the tiny, tiny chance that they'll rename a street for Mary Lynn Rajskub.  We don't need a New York Avenue in D.C.  That's just confusing.  What's New York ever done, anyway?  Mary Lynn Rajskub can light up any room with a simple, joyful scowl.  Scowly Street, NW.  It's a one-way street, and don't cross it, or it'll pout and sigh all day.

From Variety:

While there, the "24" crew will also lense a lot of 180-degree backgrounds into which Sutherland and others can later be inserted via greenscreen. Gordon said the technology has finally gotten to a point where it looks seamless enough -- but it will still be a challenge given the frantic camera style that's a hallmark of the show.

"Some of the technology is amazing now," Gordon said. "You can insert actors onto the Washington Mall and do things you couldn't have done even a few years ago."

"Torture that goose.  Torture ALL these geese!  There's no time to explain!"

Technorati Tags: 24, Kiefer Sutherland, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Washington, DC

Ain't Got No Soul

Series premieres reek of desperation and exposition, so you have to cut them a little slack.  Even so, Reaper is nothing special.  The premise is cute for about ten minutes before you realize you're watching the formula for every single subsequent episode.  Sam chats with the Devil, researches an enemy, pals around with his Jack-Black-acting ass of a sidekick, accidentally alienates his shiny toothed romantic interest, almost has his "secret identity" revealed, figures out how to use his wacky item to destroy the enemy, and drops the soul off at a "hell portal" -- like the DMV, get it?  Television Without Pity gave the premiere a B, which just does not make sense, unless they rate shows in reverse alphabetical order and the scale goes all the way up to Z.  They had the temerity to compare it to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I have never, never seen an comparison more temerarious than that.  Although any review that leads with a Devil May Cry reference deserves kudos.  Kudos potentially mitigate temerity.

You can judge the show's quality or lack thereof for yourself.  Instead, let's discuss the bit of religious hair-splitting that, if the show continues, will show up again and again.  Sam's told that before he was born, his parents sold his soul to the devil.  His friend says that's impossible, because we all have free will, so you can't sell someone else's soul.  Screw that.  If you're going to deal with Devil, you can't tie his hands.  Although it's debatable whether the Bible says punishment for a father's sins will be visited upon his children, certainly the effects of those sins can be felt.  A parent can gamble away a kid's inheritance, or even their life, so why not a soul?  Who do you think is ultimately responsible for your own soul?  God, of course.  He made it, you're just holding it for a while.  But the great thing is, He doesn't come by to check that you still have it, so you can score some serious cash money down.  And God created the Devil, too, so it's almost like you're returning it to His valet service.

The Devil's job is to trick you into giving up more than you wanted, so that someday you regret the deal, and try to renege.  Anyone who's ever sold their soul knows that the Devil's cheating you.  He jokes around with you about it, like with the whole signing in blood thing, or meeting you at a crossroads at midnight.  You think, oh no, this is spooky, what am I getting into?  But really, who's cheating whom?  Eventually you'll try to weasel out of it, and if you're quick witted or really good at something, you'll win.  The Devil has a very low soul retention rate, much worse than the Greek or Roman gods, or the Judeo-Christian God.  Try to double-cross Him and He will fuck you eight ways from Sunday.  Stick with the devil you know, that is, the Devil, and you're guaranteed personalized service, a wide range of payment options, and a chance to eat your cake and have it, too.  What are you waiting for?  Sell it today!

Some restrictions apply.  Not valid in Delaware, Minnesota or Vermont.

Technorati Tags: Reaper, the Devil, souls, sales, Satan, savings

An Open Letter to the Cops

I'm terribly sorry but I must decline your invitation to participate in this murder investigation.  I really would like to come down to the station and answer a few questions, but my schedule is crazy right now.  I was so looking forward to sitting at the little desk, being offered water, coffee, and cigarettes by the good cop, as well as being insulted and slapped around by the less than optimal cop.  I'm sure this brilliant and perplexing murder seems unsolvable to you, but keep at it, guys -- you'll just have to work around my testimony because I have a thing.  If it helps, here's what I was going to say.

• How dare you.  Do you know who I am?  I'm an important society guy.  I could buy you a million times over this very moment, but I won't, because I respect the uniform and it's a seller's market.
• I have never heard of that guy.  Did you make up that name?  It sounds made up.
• A photo?  Oh, that guy.  I think I saw him in an online video -- something about Mentos?
• Yes, he's my business partner.  You didn't let me finish.  He was in an online video, because we made one to promote our joint venture.  I guess it wasn't Mentos, it was equity indexed annuities.
• How dare you.  I loved him like a brother!  I'd rather murder a hundred people than harm a hair on his head.
• In Jewish culture, we threaten people's lives all the time.  It's a sign of affection.  "Hey, friend!  Watch your back, 'cause I'm coming for you!  Mazel tov!"  See?
• Allow me to answer your question with another question:  When you black out, do you keep track of everywhere you go and everything you do?  Or do you just go with it?
• Yeah, I bet you get a lot of cleaning ladies in here claiming they "saw everything."  Would you trust someone who promised not to tell something and then broke that promise?
• If, hypothetically, I were going to kill him, let us assume that I would not want to leave a bunch of evidence.  But by your own admission, you found a bunch of evidence at the scene.  Therefore, I did not commit this murder.  Q.E.D.
• You guys just love your DNA evidence, don't you?  Did you ever consider that I might be having an affair with every piece of furniture in that room?  Does that offend your bourgeois morality?
• Even if I were guilty,  which I'm not, you'd never prove it . . . wait, are you planning to actually use all that evidence?  I thought it was like a visual aid!  Wow, where do you even store all that evidence?  Even the leaky bits?
• So maybe I killed him, but can you blame me?  He was unpleasant.  And I disliked him!  What would you do?
• What you have to realize is that . . . the thing is . . . SO LONG, SUCKERS!
• Hm.  Locked.
• So, hey, um, I demand to see a lawyer.

 

Technorati Tags: cops, murder, Jerry Orbach, hot dogs, confessions

Lessons Learned

The children of tomorrow will have some tough questions for us.  Someday, they'll look up at us with wide innocent eyes and ask, “Mommy, Daddy?  Other mommy?  Robot?  What happened to the environment?  And what happened to our civil liberties?  I would also like to pose a query concerning the whereabouts of my sippy cup.”  How can you explain the mistakes of days past?  It's like explaining why you liked Lost to someone who started watching in the third season.  Personally, I don't think history has any lessons to teach us, but if a TV show is an hour long, there must be a lesson there somewhere.

Lost

The next time you're on a plane, look around.  Do you recognize every other passenger from minor incidents in your life?  Also, is your name something like Immanuel Wittgenstein Aurelius?  And finally, do you ever feel that you could work out your complicated personality problems if you could just start over with a blank slate and a diet rich in nuts and berries?  If you answered yes to all of these questions, start buckling your seatbelt now.

Twin Peaks

Have you ever noticed that when someone gets murdered, everyone makes a big deal about it?  Well, if you're always in a hurry to solve a murder, you miss out on a lot of other things that are also nice: pies, hot beverages, window treatments, dreams, etc.  If you're an FBI agent, don't tackle your “assignment” head-on.  Instead, try to slowly amble down a bunch of blind alleys.  As we all know, every small town resident has a million reasons for killing every other resident, so if you ever want to solve the mystery, just choose one randomly by blindfolding yourself and throwing a ghost at him.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

That terror alert stuff is not just a political tool.  If anything, we should be at Red almost all the time.  Each year, just before summer, it should go up to Hellmouth Black.  The good news is that we can save a lot of Homeland Security money since everything we need to know can be found within some very, very old book.  Now we just need someone who can translate Ancient Deusexmachinal.

24

There's no time!

Heroes

I never watched Heroes, but let me guess.  Ordinary people with super powers, right?  So the lesson would be . . . is it something that comes with great power?  Is it wasabi?

Battlestar Galactica

I think the lesson is either don't fuck robots, or don't fuck with robots.

Mind of Mencia

“Sharing is caring.”  And I know that one isn't an hour long, but it feels like it.

Welcome to ¡B3!

I just came back from answering the door . . . have I got a story to tell you!  I should start at the beginning. OK, here goes.  I heard a knocking at the door, and without thinking, I went to answer it.  So far, so good, right? Well, there was a guy there with a clipboard, short, Hispanic, looked a little confused, but seemed nice enough.  The guy asked me, “You want Comcast?”  “What?” I replied.  “Comcast.  You want Comcast?”  “Oh.  No thank you.  Goodbye,” I said, and closed the door.

I should explain that Comcast is the name of a local cable company.  Cable is a wire that goes into your house and it's also a way to watch “America's Next Top Model” and some other shows.  I have a different cable company already, and I didn't feel like switching today, which is why I didn't take him up on his offer.  However, that's not to say that Comcast isn't a perfectly acceptable cable provider, although I hear they are awful.

It occurred to me that this story would be a good first entry for a blog, because it has everything.  I think it also might make a good webcomic, or maybe I could work it into my reaction video to something I saw on YouTube.  I don't want to say the words “feature film” at this point . . . actually, I guess I just did!  I might as well also say the words “Antonio Banderas” and “Zack Galifianakis”.  I'm saying them because they sound fun, and because I spent all those years figuring out how to spell them.